Why Santa Does What He Does

Christmastime is a special time. A time of giving. A time of hope. A time of commercialization. But it’s also a time of remembering. Remembering He who was born to die for our sins, as the Christians put it. Yes, think fondly back to the night that little baby sat in that manger, minding his own business, probably watching a goat eat some oats, or something. I like to imagine that the goat was wearing a little Santa hat, because it was probably a little nippy out there in that barn, and the thought of a goat eating oats with no hat makes me sad.

So we remember a now two-thousand-year-old baby lying in a barn at night, but what about the big guy in charge of everything else behind the scenes TODAY? I’m not talking about God, I’m talking about Santa Claus. That happy, round, big-old sack of kick-ass known as Kris Kringle? Let’s take the time to reflect on his life, and his awesomeness, shall we?

You see, originally, there were four wise men who went to see Jesus in the manger. Santa was the fourth, and forgotten, wise man. Santa was forgotten in the pages of the Bible, much like the gospel of Mary, because the bigwigs up top decided that it wasn’t important enough to include for the common man to see. Or maybe it was because he had forgotten his gift, I could go either way. In a stalwart effort to make up for his slip of memory that caused him to be gift-less, Santa pledged to make Jesus’ birthday rock, every year, for all of his followers. Baby Jesus knew that Santa was just cool enough to pull it off, and gave him eternal life, and the ability to fit into really small places despite his admirable girth.

And so, every year for over two thousand years now, Santa has flown around the world, delivering presents to well-behaved children, while Jesus parties it up in Heaven. Santa is a man’s man. He breaks his back year round to make people happy, and since I am a people, he breaks his back all year round to make ME happy. What the hell does he get in return? Some freaking cookies (The crappy hard ones that you don’t want, yourself), some lukewarm milk, and not-spiked eggnog (Because Santa is a law abiding citizen, and wouldn’t be caught flying under the influence). He has to put up with tiny little elves all the time, and no doubt Mrs. Claus is always on his back, probably complaining that he knows what everyone wants but her.

Also, Santa is a great confidence booster. He watches you ALL the time, even when you’re in the shower, or getting changed. It’s a good feeling to know that someone wants to watch you do those things, isn’t it? That’s why they put it in that song, so you know that not everyone finds you repulsive. Watching when people sleep means you’re either A). Santa, or B) Really, really creepy.

He checks his list twice so he doesn’t forget anything, like he did with Jesus. A mistake he’s been paying for, for over two-thousand years.