Quite the nutjo.....I mean, charmer, isn't she?
I went in there with an open mind. Granted, I assumed most of it would be like dunking my head into a barrel of horse dung, but I was still set to read and listen to what they had to say. After all, if I closed my mind before I even checked out the material I wouldn’t be able to do an objective analysis, would I? No, I wouldn’t. I read the first four ‘sermons’, and took out quotes from them to help give you a basic idea of what’s going on, there. Here you go:
-Internet users are by and large highly educated members of the elite, and therefore very likely to be indoctrinated.-
I’m going to go ahead and challenge this statement in the best way I know how: By pointing out that most people on the internet can barely even SPELL! I’d be hard pressed to find a ‘highly educated member of the elite’ on practically any forum, and if this presumptuous dick thinks he can pick out the ‘highly educated’ ones and invite them to kill themselves, AND experience any amount of success, then he’s even dumber than I thought. Now that’s saying something, considering I was wondering if he’d beat out a fish in the logic department.
Here’s a particularly helpful hint on how to become a better person, and do as little damage to our Great Mother Earth as possible:
-Use computers as little as possible. I know this is difficult, especially for you Internet users out there, but it makes a big difference. Like televisions, computers emit substantial amounts of ELF radiation, but more important, they encourage certain types of thinking at the expense of others. Excessive computer use can lead to serious imbalances, of which headaches, eye strain and carpal tunnel syndrome are merely symptoms. In Chinese medicine, the condition is generally described as excess fire in the liver. The liver nourishes the eyes and is associated with analytical reasoning and verbalization. Note that the liver's "time" is from 1:00 to 3:00am. If you're usually awake then, your liver is not being recharged properly. In other words, if you must hack, try not to do it late at night. If you develop symptoms, see an acupuncturist as soon as possible. In my experience, acupuncture and certain crystals (especially malachite) are the only things that work, other than not using computers.-
Wow, thanks Church of Euthanasia! I had no idea that staring at a computer screen really late at night could make my eyes hurt! I honestly had no idea that if I didn’t sleep from one to three that I was causing serious damage to my liver, either! Whatever would I do without your inspiring words and advice?
Well, for starters, my IQ might jump a good twenty points. For the love of God, now we’re talking about crystals that can ‘heal’ you. You heard the man, kiddies. Next time your bum hurts, go grab a big rock and push it up your ass until you either pass out from exertion or soil yourself. Oh, I’d also like to point out the flaw in what Captain Happy says by telling you to stay away from computers. It’s pretty simple to see, but how in the hell is anyone going to hear the rest of your warped messages if they actually listen to you and get off of the computer? Hm, looks like somebody didn’t think that one through.....
-But first, before we get started, let me take this opportunity to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a roaring success, and there were many enlightening conversations. Later everyone got very drunk, volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several acts of public sodomy were performed, one of which I still have bruises from, but never mind.-
I feel it should be reiterated that I am NOT making this up. I’m even going to give you a link at the end so you can look, yourself. These people seriously advocate these things, and totally think that meat is evil, it contains the misery of animals, and you absorb said misery by eating it, therefore becoming miserable yourself. We’re going to overlook the fact that acquired characteristics are un-inheritable, because then we’d have to be rational. Can’t have that. Also, since we’re so against being wasteful and all that, why are we drinking so much that we can all get drunk and have orgies in mud? And do you know what that volleyball was made out of? Or the net? Those are certainly things you don’t need! Quit wasting the earth’s precious resources! God!
-See they are still helping to destroy the harmonic balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them. "O.K.," you say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?" I'll tell you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious resources. Stop procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what you need to just because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of Euthanasia. Kill yourself!-
I have a question for Mr. Yanni Cooper (The guest speech giver for this ‘sermon’, number three); If killing yourself is the best way to reduce the world’s population and rid the world of its suffering, then why are you still breathing? Why are you out here, telling people to kill themselves, when you’re too much of a little chicken shit to do it yourself? As soon as you kick your own bucket, let me know so there can be some validity to the garbage dribbling from your mouth. Oh, wait, you’ll be dead, so I guess you couldn’t tell me. Still, feel free to validate your point, all the same.
-Cannibalism, like all of these points, should ALSO be made legal. Good point on it being flesh already dead! Instead of burying the dead of our race in a way that the body is preserved, instead, let me propose that bodies of the dead should be cremated, buried in the ground so that the body can decompose quickly, donated to medical science, or broken down into its nutrients for use as food-stuffs. With food shortage being as it is, remember Benjamin Franklin: Waste not, want not!-
Oh yeah, Ben Franklin was definitely a cannibal. Please, listen to this guy (Called $aint @ndrew). The only person he ever ate was some guy, and said guy walked away a happy man. Splendidly said, Mr. @ndrew. It IS wasteful not to eat people after they die. It’s also kind of sad to send our number twos down to the sewer children, so why don’t you start eating that, too? You can have an equal balance of shit going into AND leaving your mouth!
-Keep up the good work! And fret not in the face of those who tell you to take your own advice. As I've been telling people for years: "Rest assured, I'll kill myself when I see you've fulfilled your part. I know I can trust myself to "put out the light", as Shakespeare would have it, but as for yourself, that I cannot trust."-
Yet more inspiring words from $aint @ndrew. Guess I know why they don’t kill themselves, as I previously asked. How silly of me. I think it’s kind of funny how he says he’ll kill himself after you do. That’s like saying to one of your buddies as you rest atop a huge ass hill on your bikes, both waiting for the other to go. Your friend looks at you and says, ‘You first man, I’ll be right behind you!’, and you summon up all your guts and push forward to ride down that monster hill. Your friend watches in amusement from the safety above as you speed down the hill and crash, shaking his head and laughing, ‘What a dumbass!’.
-Well, we're all for it, and the sooner the better. Why be content with just peeing on the information highway when there's a way to DESTROY IT? The sooner the Internet dies, the sooner the people who spend all day masturbating themselves with it will wake up, and possibly even realize that they are living in a dream world. That's right! I'm talking to YOU! WAKE UP! Something's burning! I think it might be your MIND!-
I KNOW! READING YOUR GARBAGE HURTS! The sooner the internet dies, the sooner you lose all connectivity, jackass. If you hate it so much, STOP USING IT! Bloody hypocrite. The masterminds had been devising a way to cause crashes and ‘stick it to the man’, essentially. So not only are these people content on being self-righteous I’ll-kill-myself-right-after-you-do people, but they want to crash sites and be general ass holes. Fantastic, you guys are doing a wonderful job.
Oh man, I just can’t read anymore of it. It’s actually making me want to kill myself. Well done, Church of Euthanasia; You’ve pissed me off so bad that you actually got your wish. I want to die, now. Oh, never mind! I found a reason to not die! To stay alive to spite you! That thought alone will keep me going, ruining the world the best way I can. By eating and driving. I know, I’m such a horrible person. Here’s that link I promised:
1. http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/
If you disagree with anything I’ve written here, by all means, tell me. I would love nothing more than to convince you that you are wrong. My email’s just sitting there, waiting. If you agree with me, all the better. You’re not as stupid as I thought. Tell these people they’re nuts.
