I had some white trash ass hole throw a bottle at me when I was walking down the street. I didn't even know the guy, but he felt obligated to throw crap at me as he drove by. Maybe it was because he was jealous of my stunning good looks and chiseled physique, maybe it was because he mistook me for a very attractive garbage disposal unit, maybe it was because he wanted to protect me from a stalker that was following me and he missed with his projectile protection, I don’t know.
Why did this person throw something at me from their car as they drove by? Well, I would imagine that it was because when some people are in their cars, they feel untouchable. They can do about whatever they feel like, and it’s ok. You get to lock yourself in a metal box and listen to music or a talk show on the radio (Of your own choosing, unless your spouse or child has you whipped). No one can mess with you, or interfere with your personal space. You’re in total control. Time to speed, baby!
This, I believe (So it must be true), contributes quite a lot to automobile accidents. The feeling of power and security that it gives some people is just too much for them to handle, thus they do whatever they want, which usually is to be the biggest ass hole they can for as long as they can. Stopping car accidents before they happen starts with you. Yes, you! The next time you’re sitting next to someone who’s driving, you need to take away that sense of security and power; the sense that they’re untouchable. Lean over and act like you’re trying to grab something, then give them a quick jab to the ribs or smack to the face. You will have saved their life by making them realize they aren’t untouchable, just undesirable.
To drive like an ass hole effectively, follow these simple steps:
1. When no one is around, drive the speed limit, or just slightly above it. When someone is behind you, go ten to twenty miles slower than the speed limit, only speeding up to the correct speeds when they try to pass you. Should they try to pass you even when you’re going the speed limit, then you MUST speed to keep them from getting in front of you. If you’re real good at this, maybe you can get the person to crash into oncoming traffic!
2. Cut people off. I’m not talking about refusing your uncle any more to drink at the next family reunion because ‘She might come back’, I’m talking about swinging in front of people when, really, you should wait for them to pass. Often, the offended party will honk at you for performing this action. This is how you know you’ve done a good job. If you’re intent on ruining this person’s day (As people tend to dwell on things like this), honk back at them like it was their fault. They’ll tell everyone what a jackass ‘that driver’ was, but inside they’ll be second guessing who should really have the blame. You’ve got to be a big ass hole to pull that off, though.
3. Ride their bumper. The person in front of you, if they are going a little slow, probably doesn’t know where they’re going. They go slow to see if they can spot any sign that will help them out, because being lost can be embarrassing and frustrating. If you want to find out just how lost they may be, check their license plate. An out of state plate means they’re probably really lost. As was said, it’s embarrassing to get lost. What better way to brighten up their day than to make them feel even more embarrassed by being a dick about it? There should be maybe two to three inches between your bumper and theirs. Often, the mean-hearted bastards behind you will go bumper to bumper with you, thus forming a long chain of cars ‘stuck’ behind the one lost car. Congratulations, you just made an out of towner feel welcome!
4. Double park. This seems to piss people off quite efficiently, as you don’t even have to be in your car for it to work! You can just leave it in a couple of parking spots, and go do whatever else while you make random people upset at the same time! What could be better? Maybe a sundae, but that would be about it. The downside to this ass hole tactic is that it may result in your car being keyed, or vandalized in some other form. If you own a crappy car (Ex: A Hummer), then it’s ok; Risk it.
5. When you’re in a parking lot and it’s raining, don’t stop to let pedestrians by. You want to keep them out there for as long as you can, because they might catch a cold, or something. Also, if you stop to let them by, not only do you perform an act you are legally bound to perform, but you pass up the chance to splash water on them! That’s too much to give up, law or not!
6. Be a teenager, and fill your car up with your obnoxious friends and loud pop music. Point and laugh at people for no reason, and make a big deal about it. Like, slap your knee and bounce up and down. Make sure your friends open their mouths as wide as they can when they laugh for dramatic effect. When the people around you take notice and look at you like you and your ‘posse’ are idiots, you’ve done your job.
7. Talk on a cell phone. Nothing says ‘I don’t care about my safety, so I’m going to send yours straight to hell, too!’, like a pointless conversation with someone on the freeway. Way to go! The only solace your fellow drivers may find is the knowledge that you’ll probably end up with a brain tumor.
Now that you have some basic information on how to drive like an ass hole, you’re ready to hit the road!
Now.....
I hate driving. Seriously, it's like having an aneurism voluntarily. When you get behind the wheel, it's the equivalent of signing a legal contract for an anger stroke. It doesn't matter how good of a driver you are, because the idiots near you are probably some of the crappiest drivers in the world. If you aren't sure, try and figure out how old they are at a red light. If they're anywhere between the age of infancy to dead, then you're screwed; They're a terrible driver.
Let’s think about this for a moment. To drive, one needs a car, right? Well, cars are pretty damn expensive, and are built to last only a short while. Why do they only last a short while? So you’ll buy another one, of course! You may still be paying off the first one, but since it’s a piece of crap that looks nice, what can you do? It’s not cost effective to make cars that last as long as we’re capable of making them last. Uh huh, chances are, you’re getting financially raped by the automobile industry. On a related topic, don’t you find it funny how you have to fill your car with gas to make it run? You do know that gas is made up of dead animals and stuff, right? Yeah, you have to fill your car up with death to make it work. Peachy.
Also related to this, automobile accidents kill an estimated 1.2 million people per year worldwide (WHO, 2004). That’s kind of a lot. So, you pay a ton of money to get an item that you pay a ton of money to buy death for, said item being involved in the deaths of over a million people per year. Be sure to buckle up! Don’t forget your cell phone!
I was in a line at a fast food restaurant today, and the lady told me to pull off to the side and wait for my food. Being the good-natured citizen that I am, I complied and pulled up behind the other car that had been instructed to do so. A few minutes went by, and my food was brought out to me. I thanked the woman, and told her to have a good day. I was listening to System of a Down, though, so I think she was a little put off. Anyway, I wait for the person at the front of the line to get his order so I can leave without him hitting me, or getting in his way at all. After he gets his food and moves on, I come out left to follow him, only to have a car come at me from behind going thirty and nearly hitting me. Of course, the ass hole honks and acts like it was my fault that he doesn't know how to drive. I mutter 'dipshit' under my breath, and go about my business.
Inside, though, I was wondering what would be funnier: Follow him wherever he's going and knife his tires, or find out if breaks are as easy to cut as I think they are.
I'm not bitter at all.
-Serac-
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
That Babies Are Evil
A good question would be ‘Are people evil?’, but that’s not the question we’re going to look at, today. We’re going to look at the littlest of people, the baby, and whether or not they are evil.
Let’s take an objective look at the things babies do to help us figure this one out:
1. They eat and drink. Really, I could rephrase this as they get fed and pampered. They don’t work for the food, they expect you to clothe them and give them cool toys and stuff, and they cry whenever they can’t have their way. Actually, they’ll cry even if they get their way just to piss you off. Ironically, everything I just said about babies applies to your average teenage girl.
2. They need to burp afterwards (After eating). You would think this is straightforward enough that they could handle it, but no. You have to prop them up on your shoulder and forcibly pat them on the back to provide support in the attempt to expel the unwanted gases. This typically results in them vomiting all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house. Oops, I mean spit up all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house, because there’s a big difference.
3. After said feeding and burping, odds are is they have to use the restroom. Oh, sorry, I meant to say your lap. Babies are lazy, and won’t get up to use the bathroom. They’d rather just unload all over their clothes, or, heaven forbid, you.
4. Now that they have a hefty load in their pants, they need you to take care of their business. Commercial businesses profit off of this by selling diapers and wipes, though you may as well just pass on the second item. Your dignity serves as just as fine a wiping device as anything else.
5. After all of this is said and done (Points one through four encompassing your average baby’s day), the baby still has the audacity to expect you to stay up all night with it. You would think that the infant would need to sleep after sucking the life out of you all day, but babies have complex and intricate sleeping patterns. The way it works is that when a baby is in a room (Or, in the case of a powerful baby, a house or apartment complex), only one creature is allowed to sleep in the area at a time. So, should you happen to start drifting off to sleep, the baby will instinctively cry to wake you up so he or she can go back to sleep. Why would they do this, you may ask? Simple: Babies are selfish, and don’t care about your happiness!
Well, Serac, if babies are so evil, why don’t people just get rid of them? I’ll bet you think you’ve got me cornered with a question like that, don’t you? Well, my presumptuous reader, you would be wrong. For you see, babies possess a certain characteristic that prevents us older humans from shipping them all off to sweatshops around the world. That characteristic has been sought after (Rather unsuccessfully) by every female teen pop singer who winds up settling for hot (Also unsuccessfully. Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff remind me more of crack addicts than hotness, and crack addicts are anti-hot. Clean up, dumbasses). This attribute, if you haven’t already placed it for yourself, is cuteness.
Babies are almost inherently cute; Being a baby almost means being cute. I mean, people in relationships often call each other baby. Unless we’re talking about pedophiles of an extreme and disturbing nature (More disturbing), we can assume they are implying their partner is cute, all while addressing them. It’s an economical way to get their attention and let them know you think they look nice. All in one word. People are really lazy (After all, we’re all just grown up babies, and some habits you can’t kick. Not like crack, dammit, I’ll kick your ass!), and would rather say ‘baby’ instead of ‘Jennifer, I just want you to know that you look amazing, and I am so glad you’re mine’, or some other sentimental line the guy probably doesn’t mean. Babies, if they could talk, would be liars. So it only makes sense that grown up people would be full of deceit and trickery, too.
Even though I know that they’re full of evil and hate, I find myself inexplicably drawn to their overpowering cuteness. I want to hold them, hug them, and give them stuff. I know, it’s twisted. Still don’t think babies are evil? Here’s a video of a mom and dad pretending to cough so they can gauge their child’s reaction to their feigned sickness and suffering:
Truly, a child who wishes to see the world full of pain and sadness. You’ll notice how the parents couldn’t help but laugh at the cuteness, despite the obvious signs of diabolical evil.
So in conclusion, my friends, I would say to you that you should beware of the baby’s tact and dark ways. They will exploit and use you for everything that you’re worth, and as soon as they’re able they’ll stab you in the back just because they can. Ironically enough, again, everything I just said applies to your average teenage girl.
-Serac-
Let’s take an objective look at the things babies do to help us figure this one out:
1. They eat and drink. Really, I could rephrase this as they get fed and pampered. They don’t work for the food, they expect you to clothe them and give them cool toys and stuff, and they cry whenever they can’t have their way. Actually, they’ll cry even if they get their way just to piss you off. Ironically, everything I just said about babies applies to your average teenage girl.
2. They need to burp afterwards (After eating). You would think this is straightforward enough that they could handle it, but no. You have to prop them up on your shoulder and forcibly pat them on the back to provide support in the attempt to expel the unwanted gases. This typically results in them vomiting all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house. Oops, I mean spit up all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house, because there’s a big difference.
3. After said feeding and burping, odds are is they have to use the restroom. Oh, sorry, I meant to say your lap. Babies are lazy, and won’t get up to use the bathroom. They’d rather just unload all over their clothes, or, heaven forbid, you.
4. Now that they have a hefty load in their pants, they need you to take care of their business. Commercial businesses profit off of this by selling diapers and wipes, though you may as well just pass on the second item. Your dignity serves as just as fine a wiping device as anything else.
5. After all of this is said and done (Points one through four encompassing your average baby’s day), the baby still has the audacity to expect you to stay up all night with it. You would think that the infant would need to sleep after sucking the life out of you all day, but babies have complex and intricate sleeping patterns. The way it works is that when a baby is in a room (Or, in the case of a powerful baby, a house or apartment complex), only one creature is allowed to sleep in the area at a time. So, should you happen to start drifting off to sleep, the baby will instinctively cry to wake you up so he or she can go back to sleep. Why would they do this, you may ask? Simple: Babies are selfish, and don’t care about your happiness!
Well, Serac, if babies are so evil, why don’t people just get rid of them? I’ll bet you think you’ve got me cornered with a question like that, don’t you? Well, my presumptuous reader, you would be wrong. For you see, babies possess a certain characteristic that prevents us older humans from shipping them all off to sweatshops around the world. That characteristic has been sought after (Rather unsuccessfully) by every female teen pop singer who winds up settling for hot (Also unsuccessfully. Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff remind me more of crack addicts than hotness, and crack addicts are anti-hot. Clean up, dumbasses). This attribute, if you haven’t already placed it for yourself, is cuteness.
Babies are almost inherently cute; Being a baby almost means being cute. I mean, people in relationships often call each other baby. Unless we’re talking about pedophiles of an extreme and disturbing nature (More disturbing), we can assume they are implying their partner is cute, all while addressing them. It’s an economical way to get their attention and let them know you think they look nice. All in one word. People are really lazy (After all, we’re all just grown up babies, and some habits you can’t kick. Not like crack, dammit, I’ll kick your ass!), and would rather say ‘baby’ instead of ‘Jennifer, I just want you to know that you look amazing, and I am so glad you’re mine’, or some other sentimental line the guy probably doesn’t mean. Babies, if they could talk, would be liars. So it only makes sense that grown up people would be full of deceit and trickery, too.
Even though I know that they’re full of evil and hate, I find myself inexplicably drawn to their overpowering cuteness. I want to hold them, hug them, and give them stuff. I know, it’s twisted. Still don’t think babies are evil? Here’s a video of a mom and dad pretending to cough so they can gauge their child’s reaction to their feigned sickness and suffering:
Truly, a child who wishes to see the world full of pain and sadness. You’ll notice how the parents couldn’t help but laugh at the cuteness, despite the obvious signs of diabolical evil.
So in conclusion, my friends, I would say to you that you should beware of the baby’s tact and dark ways. They will exploit and use you for everything that you’re worth, and as soon as they’re able they’ll stab you in the back just because they can. Ironically enough, again, everything I just said applies to your average teenage girl.
-Serac-
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Who Are The Fab Five?
Here’s a true life story for you guys.
Ok, I recently discovered that there is a group of five female students in the state of Texas known as the ‘Fab Five’. I barely managed to survive reading that name, as the pulses of gay and idiocy washed over me in waves of suck. I’m not even kidding, my brother picked me up off of the floor and had to play Pantera for over ten minutes to bring me back.
After I had mentally prepared myself to continue reading the article that promised to be full of teen glorifying stupidity, I kept going. It turns out that these five girls were on the cheerleading squad, and had just driven off their fourth coach in a single year. I knew something was wrong when I read that, but that will be kept to myself for the moment.
These five girls reportedly insulted teachers, skipped classes, posted sexually suggestive pictures of themselves up on Myspace, blah, blah, blah, let’s be rebellious. People claimed that the girls were ‘above the consequences’ and ‘were invincible’. Actually, the coach that they ran away said these things. On national television, no less. I forget the news show she was on, but it pissed me off like nobody’s business to hear her say that. You can bet your ass if I did anything like insult teachers or skip classes, I’d have the hammer of God fall down on me. So what, you may ask, allowed these girls to act the way they did?
I would like to say that it was their God awful parents, but.....Oh, wait, it was. It just so happens that the alleged ‘ringleader’ of this mighty group of estrogen fueled super bitches was the daughter of the principal. Not that she would abuse her position and shield her daughter from any sort of repercussion for her actions, God no.
Well, people started to get upset about how things were going. Maybe something that helped to set them off was how these girls stole their coach’s cell phone and sent inappropriate text messages to her husband, and another coach. I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, as I said, people were getting upset. So upset that nothing was being done, actually, that they requested the principal resign. For abusing her power and being a crappy parent, she received a seventy-five thousand dollar deal and a letter of recommendation upon her departure. I’m not making this up, this actually happened.
Oh, I almost forgot to say that these stupid girls are still on the cheerleading squad. It took the members of the board a week to decide whether or not to remove them from the team, but in the end they decided NOT to get rid of them. I’ve no doubt that the principal, one of these girl’s mothers, had nothing at all to do with that decision. She claims she did not use her authority to protect her daughter at all, and of course I don’t think she would lie to us to protect her image. That would be wrong.
Sweet mother of God, people, give me a break! This woman abused her powers to let her kid act like the ungrateful, stupid ditz she wants to grow up to be! These girls are under the delusion that they’re something special, well, news flash! You’re not. You’re only proving that you’re stupid and disrespectful by not only pissing around in school, but by skanking around on the internet, stealing, and doing your damned best to make me hate you. Mission accomplished, Fab Five, I want you to spontaneously combust.
Their ex coach, on national television, claimed that these five girls were just exploiting this power (Of being invulnerable to the rules and laws, I guess) like any other teenager would. After reading this, I believe I had an aneurism because I awoke several hours later in a daze. I forced myself to continue reading, only to find detective dumb-ass giving me his breakdown of the situation. This professional, or whatever the hell he was, says that kids are gonna be kids, and.....he wrapped it up with some crock load of suck that I must have blocked out of my memory for my own safety.
These people are morons. I would NOT have taken advantage of any power like that, because it’s not my power to take advantage of! The principal should have suspended their asses for being such haughty little fools. If I acted the way they did, I would be offended if I didn’t get suspended. I would feel discriminated against, and I would take the fool to court and demand she suspend me.
Second, this other idiot who says kids are going to be kids needs to return his degree to wherever he got it from, and hit the bottle. Hard. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll drink himself out of Idiotburg and he can be a productive member of society. Then he can tell the Fab Five the secret to it, and maybe they’ll learn from him and stop being so pathetic. If kids are going to be kids, what are the rest of the people following the rules going to be like? Adults? So, everyone who disobeys the rules is a kid, and they get away with it because they’re kids. That makes perfect sense, you dipstick.
I want to lay all the blame on these girls just being stupid, but that wouldn’t be fair to the stupid principal or the other parents, now would it? No, I don’t want to discriminate as all stupidity needs addressing. These people obviously never beat their children or disciplined them in any other way that Super Nanny wouldn’t approve of. Super Nanny should just drop the communication crap and just strap a shock collar on all of the kids she meets. When they start to get bad, just give them a buzz to let them know you mean business. No more disobedience.
I would make a kick-ass man nanny. I’d give out complimentary shock collars, and would show the parents how to use them. In fact, I think everyone under the age of eighteen should wear one. This would solve all manners of disobedience. Parents would finally be back in control (Though how they at some point lost it baffles me. How the hell do you lose control of something you support for YEARS?). Your kid giving you back talk? Doing drugs? Screwing around with people for the hell of it? Being a general asshole? Push the button and give them a shock, tell them to shut the hell up and go do their homework. Problem solved.
Seriously, I’m so mad at these people right now I can’t even remember what my initial point was. Something about.....Texas sucking, or something. I don’t know, whatever. I’m gonna go try and bleach my mind clean of these thoughts by doing.....something, God, I don’t even know. I do know this, however: The Fab Five can suck it.
Ok, I recently discovered that there is a group of five female students in the state of Texas known as the ‘Fab Five’. I barely managed to survive reading that name, as the pulses of gay and idiocy washed over me in waves of suck. I’m not even kidding, my brother picked me up off of the floor and had to play Pantera for over ten minutes to bring me back.
After I had mentally prepared myself to continue reading the article that promised to be full of teen glorifying stupidity, I kept going. It turns out that these five girls were on the cheerleading squad, and had just driven off their fourth coach in a single year. I knew something was wrong when I read that, but that will be kept to myself for the moment.
These five girls reportedly insulted teachers, skipped classes, posted sexually suggestive pictures of themselves up on Myspace, blah, blah, blah, let’s be rebellious. People claimed that the girls were ‘above the consequences’ and ‘were invincible’. Actually, the coach that they ran away said these things. On national television, no less. I forget the news show she was on, but it pissed me off like nobody’s business to hear her say that. You can bet your ass if I did anything like insult teachers or skip classes, I’d have the hammer of God fall down on me. So what, you may ask, allowed these girls to act the way they did?
I would like to say that it was their God awful parents, but.....Oh, wait, it was. It just so happens that the alleged ‘ringleader’ of this mighty group of estrogen fueled super bitches was the daughter of the principal. Not that she would abuse her position and shield her daughter from any sort of repercussion for her actions, God no.
Well, people started to get upset about how things were going. Maybe something that helped to set them off was how these girls stole their coach’s cell phone and sent inappropriate text messages to her husband, and another coach. I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, as I said, people were getting upset. So upset that nothing was being done, actually, that they requested the principal resign. For abusing her power and being a crappy parent, she received a seventy-five thousand dollar deal and a letter of recommendation upon her departure. I’m not making this up, this actually happened.
Oh, I almost forgot to say that these stupid girls are still on the cheerleading squad. It took the members of the board a week to decide whether or not to remove them from the team, but in the end they decided NOT to get rid of them. I’ve no doubt that the principal, one of these girl’s mothers, had nothing at all to do with that decision. She claims she did not use her authority to protect her daughter at all, and of course I don’t think she would lie to us to protect her image. That would be wrong.
Sweet mother of God, people, give me a break! This woman abused her powers to let her kid act like the ungrateful, stupid ditz she wants to grow up to be! These girls are under the delusion that they’re something special, well, news flash! You’re not. You’re only proving that you’re stupid and disrespectful by not only pissing around in school, but by skanking around on the internet, stealing, and doing your damned best to make me hate you. Mission accomplished, Fab Five, I want you to spontaneously combust.
Their ex coach, on national television, claimed that these five girls were just exploiting this power (Of being invulnerable to the rules and laws, I guess) like any other teenager would. After reading this, I believe I had an aneurism because I awoke several hours later in a daze. I forced myself to continue reading, only to find detective dumb-ass giving me his breakdown of the situation. This professional, or whatever the hell he was, says that kids are gonna be kids, and.....he wrapped it up with some crock load of suck that I must have blocked out of my memory for my own safety.
These people are morons. I would NOT have taken advantage of any power like that, because it’s not my power to take advantage of! The principal should have suspended their asses for being such haughty little fools. If I acted the way they did, I would be offended if I didn’t get suspended. I would feel discriminated against, and I would take the fool to court and demand she suspend me.
Second, this other idiot who says kids are going to be kids needs to return his degree to wherever he got it from, and hit the bottle. Hard. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll drink himself out of Idiotburg and he can be a productive member of society. Then he can tell the Fab Five the secret to it, and maybe they’ll learn from him and stop being so pathetic. If kids are going to be kids, what are the rest of the people following the rules going to be like? Adults? So, everyone who disobeys the rules is a kid, and they get away with it because they’re kids. That makes perfect sense, you dipstick.
I want to lay all the blame on these girls just being stupid, but that wouldn’t be fair to the stupid principal or the other parents, now would it? No, I don’t want to discriminate as all stupidity needs addressing. These people obviously never beat their children or disciplined them in any other way that Super Nanny wouldn’t approve of. Super Nanny should just drop the communication crap and just strap a shock collar on all of the kids she meets. When they start to get bad, just give them a buzz to let them know you mean business. No more disobedience.
I would make a kick-ass man nanny. I’d give out complimentary shock collars, and would show the parents how to use them. In fact, I think everyone under the age of eighteen should wear one. This would solve all manners of disobedience. Parents would finally be back in control (Though how they at some point lost it baffles me. How the hell do you lose control of something you support for YEARS?). Your kid giving you back talk? Doing drugs? Screwing around with people for the hell of it? Being a general asshole? Push the button and give them a shock, tell them to shut the hell up and go do their homework. Problem solved.
Seriously, I’m so mad at these people right now I can’t even remember what my initial point was. Something about.....Texas sucking, or something. I don’t know, whatever. I’m gonna go try and bleach my mind clean of these thoughts by doing.....something, God, I don’t even know. I do know this, however: The Fab Five can suck it.
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