Who Are The Fab Five?

Here’s a true life story for you guys.

Ok, I recently discovered that there is a group of five female students in the state of Texas known as the ‘Fab Five’. I barely managed to survive reading that name, as the pulses of gay and idiocy washed over me in waves of suck. I’m not even kidding, my brother picked me up off of the floor and had to play Pantera for over ten minutes to bring me back.

After I had mentally prepared myself to continue reading the article that promised to be full of teen glorifying stupidity, I kept going. It turns out that these five girls were on the cheerleading squad, and had just driven off their fourth coach in a single year. I knew something was wrong when I read that, but that will be kept to myself for the moment.

These five girls reportedly insulted teachers, skipped classes, posted sexually suggestive pictures of themselves up on Myspace, blah, blah, blah, let’s be rebellious. People claimed that the girls were ‘above the consequences’ and ‘were invincible’. Actually, the coach that they ran away said these things. On national television, no less. I forget the news show she was on, but it pissed me off like nobody’s business to hear her say that. You can bet your ass if I did anything like insult teachers or skip classes, I’d have the hammer of God fall down on me. So what, you may ask, allowed these girls to act the way they did?

I would like to say that it was their God awful parents, but.....Oh, wait, it was. It just so happens that the alleged ‘ringleader’ of this mighty group of estrogen fueled super bitches was the daughter of the principal. Not that she would abuse her position and shield her daughter from any sort of repercussion for her actions, God no.

Well, people started to get upset about how things were going. Maybe something that helped to set them off was how these girls stole their coach’s cell phone and sent inappropriate text messages to her husband, and another coach. I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, as I said, people were getting upset. So upset that nothing was being done, actually, that they requested the principal resign. For abusing her power and being a crappy parent, she received a seventy-five thousand dollar deal and a letter of recommendation upon her departure. I’m not making this up, this actually happened.

Oh, I almost forgot to say that these stupid girls are still on the cheerleading squad. It took the members of the board a week to decide whether or not to remove them from the team, but in the end they decided NOT to get rid of them. I’ve no doubt that the principal, one of these girl’s mothers, had nothing at all to do with that decision. She claims she did not use her authority to protect her daughter at all, and of course I don’t think she would lie to us to protect her image. That would be wrong.

Sweet mother of God, people, give me a break! This woman abused her powers to let her kid act like the ungrateful, stupid ditz she wants to grow up to be! These girls are under the delusion that they’re something special, well, news flash! You’re not. You’re only proving that you’re stupid and disrespectful by not only pissing around in school, but by skanking around on the internet, stealing, and doing your damned best to make me hate you. Mission accomplished, Fab Five, I want you to spontaneously combust.

Their ex coach, on national television, claimed that these five girls were just exploiting this power (Of being invulnerable to the rules and laws, I guess) like any other teenager would. After reading this, I believe I had an aneurism because I awoke several hours later in a daze. I forced myself to continue reading, only to find detective dumb-ass giving me his breakdown of the situation. This professional, or whatever the hell he was, says that kids are gonna be kids, and.....he wrapped it up with some crock load of suck that I must have blocked out of my memory for my own safety.

These people are morons. I would NOT have taken advantage of any power like that, because it’s not my power to take advantage of! The principal should have suspended their asses for being such haughty little fools. If I acted the way they did, I would be offended if I didn’t get suspended. I would feel discriminated against, and I would take the fool to court and demand she suspend me.

Second, this other idiot who says kids are going to be kids needs to return his degree to wherever he got it from, and hit the bottle. Hard. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll drink himself out of Idiotburg and he can be a productive member of society. Then he can tell the Fab Five the secret to it, and maybe they’ll learn from him and stop being so pathetic. If kids are going to be kids, what are the rest of the people following the rules going to be like? Adults? So, everyone who disobeys the rules is a kid, and they get away with it because they’re kids. That makes perfect sense, you dipstick.

I want to lay all the blame on these girls just being stupid, but that wouldn’t be fair to the stupid principal or the other parents, now would it? No, I don’t want to discriminate as all stupidity needs addressing. These people obviously never beat their children or disciplined them in any other way that Super Nanny wouldn’t approve of. Super Nanny should just drop the communication crap and just strap a shock collar on all of the kids she meets. When they start to get bad, just give them a buzz to let them know you mean business. No more disobedience.

I would make a kick-ass man nanny. I’d give out complimentary shock collars, and would show the parents how to use them. In fact, I think everyone under the age of eighteen should wear one. This would solve all manners of disobedience. Parents would finally be back in control (Though how they at some point lost it baffles me. How the hell do you lose control of something you support for YEARS?). Your kid giving you back talk? Doing drugs? Screwing around with people for the hell of it? Being a general asshole? Push the button and give them a shock, tell them to shut the hell up and go do their homework. Problem solved.

Seriously, I’m so mad at these people right now I can’t even remember what my initial point was. Something about.....Texas sucking, or something. I don’t know, whatever. I’m gonna go try and bleach my mind clean of these thoughts by doing.....something, God, I don’t even know. I do know this, however: The Fab Five can suck it.