How To Deal With Bad Breath

How do you deal with someone whose breath could corrode plate steel? That’s a fantastic question because, odds are, you will have to deal with this problem at the very least once a week. I know, it IS a sad thing that rancid breath plagues our poor world, even in our advanced times. You’d think that since we can kill cancer cells and use stem cells to rebuild tissue and whatever the hell else that we could invent some sort of way to fight dirty mouths. Oh, wait, we’ve already got that one figured out. Problem is, not everyone utilizes the toothbrush or the mouthwash the way they should.

But you very well can’t tell that foul smelling person that, can you? Since you’re in a social situation (We’ll assume you have a life, dear reader), you have to pick and choose your words and actions carefully so as to not offend anyone. Let’s take an everyday situation, and see what can happen with it.

You’re at school or work, and you’re just taking care of business, whether it be moving from class to class or heading over to the water cooler for a quick drink, whatever. But, as is prone to happen, someone’s gonna spot you and want to force small talk in an effort to appear to be as little an anti-social hermit as possible. That’s frowned upon in our culture. This in and of itself isn’t such a bad thing because you, yourself, don’t want to appear as an anti-social hermit either, so you prepare to dust off the old charm and play nice. Then, like an unsuspecting bunny on the highway, you get run over by the odor equivalent of a semi.

As the tears form in your eyes and you manage a shaky smile on your lips, do your best to choke back the vomit and questions you may be having, such as ‘Where did you get your onion flavored toothpaste?’, or ‘You know you’re supposed to throw the toothbrush away if you drop it in the toilet, right?’, and ‘Were you kissing Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton/Other easy target celebrity, earlier? Do you know where he/she’s been?’.

This is when you need to act. You know, now, that if you beat a hasty retreat you’re going to look like you didn’t want to talk to the person at all, which may hurt their feelings, even if you really didn’t want to talk to them in the first place. In the work place, especially, you have to be careful not to hurt any feelings, lest the wrath of management fall upon your head. If you stay, however, you will not hurt their feelings, only cause permanent and potentially life endangering damage to your lungs and your brain. Here’s what you can do:

1. A smart person brings to the table a simple solution. Carry some form of gum or mint that you prefer, and when you get into scent trouble, just pop one in your mouth. The taste in your mouth helps to dull the knife of disgust your acquaintance is breathing at you. Also, since people are generally self-interested and moderately to VERY greedy, you can probably get them to ask for some, or politely offer them a piece. The downside is there are some people who don’t like candy, and there are some people who won’t ask for any or accept any for fear of seeming to be a moocher. Damn those people who can’t take a hint.

2. Keep your distance and breathe shallow when they aren’t talking directly at you. You can also look casually off to the side as someone walks by, or to glance at something to get some cool air when needed. You have to be pretty suave to pull this one off without letting them know they stink, so use with caution. The downside is that this method only works if you can pull it off, and only if the conversation is intended to be a short one. Don’t count on it to help you out with family. Just tell them they need a mint. Or a trip to the dentist. Whichever you feel better about.

3. Tell them they smell kind of funky. This method is a method only you, the reader, can safely choose and utilize. You have to know the person you’re talking to (Or being talked at by) well enough to judge how they’ll take it. If a person is generally shy, don’t tell them. If it’s hard for them to up and talk to you, it’s probably not a good idea for you to make them feel embarrassed or more self-conscious. Unless you’re an ass hole, then go right ahead. Most people will find the first method the best one to go with for a shy person, because they are not likely to turn down something offered in good will. Poor saps. For a more self-assured person, it may be a safe move to tell them they smell like an open man hole in downtown Phoenix on a summer’s day. Again, it’s a character judgment you have to make.

There are other things you could do (Pretend your cell phone is on vibrate and you got a call, make an excuse and cut out of there, stab yourself somewhere with a pen and hope you bleed out fast, etc.), but these three listed options are the simplest.

Now the next time someone you’re with takes a mint, you know to ask for one, too.