How The Good In Some Can Make The Bad In Others

How can one thing, good, bring about its opposite, bad? It’s like an oxymoron. For more on oxymorons, see Mark Foley.

Like I so love to do, let us use an example to help illustrate how the good in some can bring out the bad in others. I’ll even use one that many people know of. Here it is:

So we’re back in the garden of Eden. Pretty sweet, huh? There are only two people around, and only a couple of rules to follow. Don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge is one of them. I mean, sure, it’s got apples going for it, but otherwise, who cares? I’ll take eternal life and happiness for our species, thank you. Apples be damned.

So, one day, Eve was taking a stroll through the garden, always finding herself covered up by some leaf or other blowing through the wind. That’s, at least, what I assume from having seen artist’s depictions of her (which MUST be accurate, as art is NOT interpretive, at all). There’s usually something in the way. Anyway.....so she’s walking along, and she’s getting kinda hungry. Her stomach growls a little bit, and she can’t help but wonder aloud as she passes by a few peach trees, "I wish there was something sweet and juicy I could eat. I’m so hungry!"

Satan snake, who happens to overhear Eve’s plight, is filled with sadness for her. No woman so beautiful (She’s the only woman, making her both the most beautiful and the most ugly woman alive) should ever go wanting! He knew he couldn’t stand by and do nothing. For more on standing by and doing nothing, see Dennis Hastert.

So, Satan snake works his way out of the pear tree he’s in, looking for something he can get to her to ease her suffering. Oh, I know suffering didn’t exist, just yet, but I’m sure her slight hunger was rather unpleasant. Satan snake looks around in a hurry, knowing that each second is precious. Grapes, cherries, oranges, kiwis, passion fruit, guava, watermelon, tangerines, bananas, apricots, plums, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, cloudberries, blueberries, salmonberries, loganberries, thimbleberries, mulberries, and even the now extinct berryberries. No, no, no! Not good enough! As Satan snake hurried by the papaya trees, he spotted the fruit that Eve should have! It was shiny, red, and looked like it was full of not-rule-breaking goodness! Perfect!

Satan snake gets up into the tree, and calls out to Eve, who promptly comes over to see what’s going on. Out of the kindness of Satan snake’s heart, he grabs one of the apples for her, and offers it to her, saying: "Eve, you are too good to go wanting. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have picked this fruit for you so you can eat it."

"Wow, thanks!" Eve exclaims, grabbing the fruit. She brings it to her lips, but a red flag goes off before she takes a bite, "Hang on," She mutters, lowering the apple, "Isn’t this the Tree of Knowledge?"

Satan snake looks around, trying to establish whether or not he was in the actual Tree of Knowledge. When he finds he is unable, he simply shrugs. Yes, it did look awkward.

Eve shrugs back, and takes a big old bite of the apple, effectively damning the human race to death and suffering. Oh, but wait, there’s more! Eve decides that she likes the apple, and grabs one for Adam. She thanks her friend for helping her out, and rushes off to feed that apple to Adam.

Now, Adam was the smartest man around (Also the stupidest man around, as he was the ONLY man around), so he could tell something was wrong as he looked the apple over in his hand.

"Come on, I already ate it! Out of the goodness of my heart, I have brought this delicious snack for you to eat, so eat it!" Eve eggs him on.

"Did you get this from the Tree of Knowledge? ‘Cause, uh.....God’s gonna be pissed if you did, and I’d rather not be the one to deal with that," Adam admits sheepishly, still looking the apple over.

"Oh, come on, if I had taken an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, don’t you think God would have already known, and would have come to punish me by now? Why would he sit back and let me give it to you?" The woman asked, an incredulous look on her face.

"Fine, fine, if you say you didn’t get it from the Tree of Knowledge, I believe you," Adam took a bite out of the apple, afraid Eve was going to think of him as less of a man if he didn’t. A few seconds later, he was looking down at himself, realizing he was totally naked. Outside. With a woman. Who was also naked.

"Holy crap, we’re naked!" He exclaimed, dropping the apple and covering himself up with his hands, "We need to find something to put on to cover everything up!"

Eve crossed her arms, looking away moodily, "Not that you have much to cover up, anyway."

Adam hung his head low as he realized that the suffering of mankind was now underway. But it got better! To show the better-ness of the situation, here’s a quote from the Bible, gearing up for the Fall of Man:

They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?"

Adam exhaled deeply, mumbling to himself, "Oh shit....." Before going to meet God.

Satan snake’s goodness of heart brought about the Fall of Man, which is a not good. So it is clear that the good in some brings about the bad in others. .....Or, at the very least, the damnation of all humankind.

Why Santa Does What He Does

Christmastime is a special time. A time of giving. A time of hope. A time of commercialization. But it’s also a time of remembering. Remembering He who was born to die for our sins, as the Christians put it. Yes, think fondly back to the night that little baby sat in that manger, minding his own business, probably watching a goat eat some oats, or something. I like to imagine that the goat was wearing a little Santa hat, because it was probably a little nippy out there in that barn, and the thought of a goat eating oats with no hat makes me sad.

So we remember a now two-thousand-year-old baby lying in a barn at night, but what about the big guy in charge of everything else behind the scenes TODAY? I’m not talking about God, I’m talking about Santa Claus. That happy, round, big-old sack of kick-ass known as Kris Kringle? Let’s take the time to reflect on his life, and his awesomeness, shall we?

You see, originally, there were four wise men who went to see Jesus in the manger. Santa was the fourth, and forgotten, wise man. Santa was forgotten in the pages of the Bible, much like the gospel of Mary, because the bigwigs up top decided that it wasn’t important enough to include for the common man to see. Or maybe it was because he had forgotten his gift, I could go either way. In a stalwart effort to make up for his slip of memory that caused him to be gift-less, Santa pledged to make Jesus’ birthday rock, every year, for all of his followers. Baby Jesus knew that Santa was just cool enough to pull it off, and gave him eternal life, and the ability to fit into really small places despite his admirable girth.

And so, every year for over two thousand years now, Santa has flown around the world, delivering presents to well-behaved children, while Jesus parties it up in Heaven. Santa is a man’s man. He breaks his back year round to make people happy, and since I am a people, he breaks his back all year round to make ME happy. What the hell does he get in return? Some freaking cookies (The crappy hard ones that you don’t want, yourself), some lukewarm milk, and not-spiked eggnog (Because Santa is a law abiding citizen, and wouldn’t be caught flying under the influence). He has to put up with tiny little elves all the time, and no doubt Mrs. Claus is always on his back, probably complaining that he knows what everyone wants but her.

Also, Santa is a great confidence booster. He watches you ALL the time, even when you’re in the shower, or getting changed. It’s a good feeling to know that someone wants to watch you do those things, isn’t it? That’s why they put it in that song, so you know that not everyone finds you repulsive. Watching when people sleep means you’re either A). Santa, or B) Really, really creepy.

He checks his list twice so he doesn’t forget anything, like he did with Jesus. A mistake he’s been paying for, for over two-thousand years.

That All Men Are Basically The Same

Are all men the same? That’s a very valid question, as we are brought up in the good old land of the free to believe that, indeed, all men are created equal. The definition for the word ‘equal’ is: Being the same in quantity, size, degree, value, or status. So even the United States Constitution tells us that, yes, all men are the same.

Logic tells us that surely every man can’t be a carbon copy of the other in our wide and vast world. That obnoxious four-hundred pounder that whistles at the cute girls as they pass by definitely isn’t any Matthew McConaughey (2005's sexiest man alive, apparently. I chose not to run, because I like competition, not blowouts. He wouldn’t have stood a chance). On an unrelated note, George Clooney is too old to be considered ‘sexy’ anymore, 2006. But if logic, mankind’s greatest asset, tells us that all men are NOT the same, how has this belief persisted for so long?

On what basis do women often judge men as ‘all the same’? Well, there are a variety of claims that can be made of the male species as a whole. One universal is that we all look bad in pink. The saying that ‘Tough guys wear pink’ is the equivalent of saying ‘Guys who like tough guys wear pink’. The day you see me wearing pink is the day you realize that masculinity is dead. Don’t worry; I don’t plan on ever letting that happen.

All men are essentially the same, but we can differentiate between any number of men by how emasculated they are. You see, every male comes out of the womb ready to eat nails and drink tabasco sauce all while training to be an effective pirate, but society chooses to intervene. Such are the times. Here is a mathematical formula that you can use to determine how far your masculinity has been eroded away:

Masculinity (M) divided by how many times you’ve dealt with emasculating nagging (EN) multiplied by the frequency of sex (per week is fine) (S) plus the number of ultimate cabins owned (UC(Because lumberjacks are REAL men, and every last one of them has a kick ass cabin)) minus however many kerchiefs you own (K). Here is what the formula looks like:

M/ENxS+UC-K.

Coincidentally, there is a simple way to remember this formula. I haven’t found it, yet, but it’s there. To use this formula, one must get an understanding of how it works. So let’s see an example. How emasculated is Joe Nobody, who will represent the general population of men? It should be noted that since all men start off with the same amount of masculinity, M is preset to the value of ten. Here’s the formula at work, with the final result being just how masculine Joe Nobody is:

First we take our masculinity and split it up via division for every time we’ve been nagged incessantly: 10/10,000 = .001

We then take our result, and multiply it by how many times sex is had in the week. 18-29-year-olds have it about 112 times per year (Piccinio, Mosher, 1998). So:

.001 x 2.15 (The average times per week as determined by dividing 112 by the number of weeks in a year) = .00215

Most men don’t own an ultimate cabin, as most men are not lumberjacks. As such, we carry our .00215 to the last step, which is to subtract from our current number the amount of kerchiefs we own, which for the love of goodness should only be 0. So, Joe Nobody, representative of the male species as we used nothing but honest to God averages, has a masculinity of .00215. It should be noted that I have a masculinity level well above the average man’s, and to be any amount of a man, you must AT LEAST have a five.

Women also like to say that all men are idiots. Words not being enough, allow this video to answer that question:



Good? Good. It should be noted, however, that any REAL man does all of these things before going to sleep at night. .....Only without messing up. Like me.

Another thing that women like to say about men is that they all want the same thing. If you can’t guess yourself what this thing is, I will tell you: A mini fridge. Every man wants a mini fridge, because they are marked pretty high on the awesome chart, and they drive women crazy. Seriously, I knew this guy who had a mini fridge, and he stocked it up with little beers and those tiny kick-ass smoked sausages, and he couldn’t even open his door to get his mail without some random woman wandering into his house.

The OTHER thing that all men want, according to women (and most men), is sex. Maybe that’s why we like mini fridges, I’m not positive. This stereotypical female thought of the male species has been around for as long as I’ve lived, which means it’s been around for at least eighteen years. The fact that our species hasn’t died out yet means that it’s probably been around for a little while longer, though. Did I just admit that all men want sex, and that even throughout our history as a species that’s all they’ve ever wanted? Rather than being a wuss and sidestepping this question, I’m gonna take it like a man and tell it like it is. I’m not gonna wet myself in the face of this problem, I’m gonna look women in the eye and say to them what every sane man would: Ma’am, no ma’am.

Why People Rip On Anime

Why does anime (Japanese animation) get such a bad rep? This is a question that many people have, and one that I am about to thoroughly answer. This will be done so with several key reasons anime is often frowned upon. The following reasons are not listed in any particular order, though each is as backbreaking to the industry as the other.

Reason #1. Lackluster voice acting.

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I use the term ‘lackluster’ because ‘abysmal’ seems too harsh. There are many people who simply cannot believe the level of incompetence displayed by those in charge of the anime industry, at times. One of the several things that can make or break any form of entertainment is the voice acting. If it’s making your ears bleed to watch something, and you don’t have your speakers cranked up to eleven, then it’s not worth watching. Here’s a video to help you get what I’m saying. It should be noted, however, that not ALL voice acting is so bad. A friend showed me this, claiming it was so bad it was ‘comical’.

You can imagine just how little I laughed.

Reason #2. People who take it too far.

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How does something get from one person to another? Television, internet, telephone, etc., etc., so on and so forth. My friends, things get spread around by word of mouth. How many things have you been exposed to by a friend or family member who had ‘something to show/tell you!"? Lots of people, when they think of anime, think of the people who dress themselves up and go to conventions, where they proceed to flaunt about in their costumes. I’m not saying this is a bad thing. Hell, if it makes you happy, you do whatever you want. But I ask you this.....How could this make anyone happy? On an unrelated note, this is what the offspring of a clown and an Emo person would look like:

To see more cosplaying gone wrong, if you want to I guess, go here: http://fuku.catsonmars.com/otaku/cosplay/ Be warned, there is language and heavy cosplay bashing to be had, here. I'm actually so tame it's unnerving.....

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Reason #3. Edible hair.

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You know those characters with the crazy hair? You know, it’s completely impossible, and is colored neon pink, green, or blue? There are many people who believe they should be able to poke a stick in these hairdos, and come away with a delicious snack in the form of cotton candy. They often become enraged when they find this is not the case, feeling cheated out of a tasty fair-style sweet. Indeed, weren’t you upset when you learned the truth? Example of crazy hair? Look no further:

Reason #4. Hentai. That’s anime porn.

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Oh, man, you guys. I could probably spend forever talking about how this is messed up. To get it over with quickly and painfully, however, I will simply rely on this video. Don’t worry, there’s no visually explicit material or swearing.

That was hilarious, and you know it!

Ah, I think that’s enough. Anime has it’s bad things and its good things. I pretty much just gave you four reasons why people do not like this form of entertainment. It’s just too bad that they focus on the negative things, and not the positive. What are the positives? Well, that would be another story for another time, my friends. I’m off to watch that thirty second hentai movie again, because it makes me laugh every time..... -Serac-

How To Do An Introduction

Like so:

A lot of people out there like to pussy-foot around serious issues, such as whether I look better in black, or white. You can count on me to take a good long look into the cess pool of the world today as I seek out the answers to some of life's more troubling questions. Examples? Here are some things I should investigate, right off the top of my head:

1. During love-making with your partner, what does it mean when he/she says someone else's name?

2. Why do some men find it impossible to put the toilet seat down? Conversely, what's so wrong with a woman's hand that she can't perform said task, herself?

3. Boxers or briefs?

These are just fleeting thoughts in my head, but if they are in MY head, they MUST be in other people's, as well. Why? Because whatever concerns me should concern the rest of the world. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong with you.

I can say right off the bat that here, in this place, you will NEVER have to worry about being subjected to such bull as: 'Current mood: Thoughtful'. Why? Because if you honestly wanted to read that, I would feel obliged to sabotage your brakes so that the next time you set out for work, you wouldn't have to worry about my mood anymore. Isn't that kind of me?

As my faithful compatriot, Bunny, claims: Bring it bitch!, so do I. Should you have a burning question that needs answering, you've only to ask. If your question manages to be only moderately stupid (As all questions inherently suggest lack of knowledge), perhaps I will formally answer you to fill in that mental gap. Indeed, the greatest of answers you do not find for yourself. I find them for you.

I, Serac, will do what I can to help you through life, and wish you the best of luck in whatever obstacles life throws your way. You not being me means that you'll need it.