How do you deal with someone whose breath could corrode plate steel? That’s a fantastic question because, odds are, you will have to deal with this problem at the very least once a week. I know, it IS a sad thing that rancid breath plagues our poor world, even in our advanced times. You’d think that since we can kill cancer cells and use stem cells to rebuild tissue and whatever the hell else that we could invent some sort of way to fight dirty mouths. Oh, wait, we’ve already got that one figured out. Problem is, not everyone utilizes the toothbrush or the mouthwash the way they should.
But you very well can’t tell that foul smelling person that, can you? Since you’re in a social situation (We’ll assume you have a life, dear reader), you have to pick and choose your words and actions carefully so as to not offend anyone. Let’s take an everyday situation, and see what can happen with it.
You’re at school or work, and you’re just taking care of business, whether it be moving from class to class or heading over to the water cooler for a quick drink, whatever. But, as is prone to happen, someone’s gonna spot you and want to force small talk in an effort to appear to be as little an anti-social hermit as possible. That’s frowned upon in our culture. This in and of itself isn’t such a bad thing because you, yourself, don’t want to appear as an anti-social hermit either, so you prepare to dust off the old charm and play nice. Then, like an unsuspecting bunny on the highway, you get run over by the odor equivalent of a semi.
As the tears form in your eyes and you manage a shaky smile on your lips, do your best to choke back the vomit and questions you may be having, such as ‘Where did you get your onion flavored toothpaste?’, or ‘You know you’re supposed to throw the toothbrush away if you drop it in the toilet, right?’, and ‘Were you kissing Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton/Other easy target celebrity, earlier? Do you know where he/she’s been?’.
This is when you need to act. You know, now, that if you beat a hasty retreat you’re going to look like you didn’t want to talk to the person at all, which may hurt their feelings, even if you really didn’t want to talk to them in the first place. In the work place, especially, you have to be careful not to hurt any feelings, lest the wrath of management fall upon your head. If you stay, however, you will not hurt their feelings, only cause permanent and potentially life endangering damage to your lungs and your brain. Here’s what you can do:
1. A smart person brings to the table a simple solution. Carry some form of gum or mint that you prefer, and when you get into scent trouble, just pop one in your mouth. The taste in your mouth helps to dull the knife of disgust your acquaintance is breathing at you. Also, since people are generally self-interested and moderately to VERY greedy, you can probably get them to ask for some, or politely offer them a piece. The downside is there are some people who don’t like candy, and there are some people who won’t ask for any or accept any for fear of seeming to be a moocher. Damn those people who can’t take a hint.
2. Keep your distance and breathe shallow when they aren’t talking directly at you. You can also look casually off to the side as someone walks by, or to glance at something to get some cool air when needed. You have to be pretty suave to pull this one off without letting them know they stink, so use with caution. The downside is that this method only works if you can pull it off, and only if the conversation is intended to be a short one. Don’t count on it to help you out with family. Just tell them they need a mint. Or a trip to the dentist. Whichever you feel better about.
3. Tell them they smell kind of funky. This method is a method only you, the reader, can safely choose and utilize. You have to know the person you’re talking to (Or being talked at by) well enough to judge how they’ll take it. If a person is generally shy, don’t tell them. If it’s hard for them to up and talk to you, it’s probably not a good idea for you to make them feel embarrassed or more self-conscious. Unless you’re an ass hole, then go right ahead. Most people will find the first method the best one to go with for a shy person, because they are not likely to turn down something offered in good will. Poor saps. For a more self-assured person, it may be a safe move to tell them they smell like an open man hole in downtown Phoenix on a summer’s day. Again, it’s a character judgment you have to make.
There are other things you could do (Pretend your cell phone is on vibrate and you got a call, make an excuse and cut out of there, stab yourself somewhere with a pen and hope you bleed out fast, etc.), but these three listed options are the simplest.
Now the next time someone you’re with takes a mint, you know to ask for one, too.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
What Is The Church Of Euthanasia?
I recently had the misfortune of being guided to a website known as ‘The Church of Euthanasia’. Yeah, you read it right. The Church of Euthanasia. They advocate being a vegan (A super vegetarian), sodomy (Because having babies is awful and destroys the planet), cannibalism (Because it’s wasteful to throw away perfectly good human flesh), suicide (Because you’re ruining the world, you bastard, you), and other stuff. I’ll give a link at the end so you can look for yourselves. Here's a picture of one of the church's members:
Quite the nutjo.....I mean, charmer, isn't she?
I went in there with an open mind. Granted, I assumed most of it would be like dunking my head into a barrel of horse dung, but I was still set to read and listen to what they had to say. After all, if I closed my mind before I even checked out the material I wouldn’t be able to do an objective analysis, would I? No, I wouldn’t. I read the first four ‘sermons’, and took out quotes from them to help give you a basic idea of what’s going on, there. Here you go:
-Internet users are by and large highly educated members of the elite, and therefore very likely to be indoctrinated.-
I’m going to go ahead and challenge this statement in the best way I know how: By pointing out that most people on the internet can barely even SPELL! I’d be hard pressed to find a ‘highly educated member of the elite’ on practically any forum, and if this presumptuous dick thinks he can pick out the ‘highly educated’ ones and invite them to kill themselves, AND experience any amount of success, then he’s even dumber than I thought. Now that’s saying something, considering I was wondering if he’d beat out a fish in the logic department.
Here’s a particularly helpful hint on how to become a better person, and do as little damage to our Great Mother Earth as possible:
-Use computers as little as possible. I know this is difficult, especially for you Internet users out there, but it makes a big difference. Like televisions, computers emit substantial amounts of ELF radiation, but more important, they encourage certain types of thinking at the expense of others. Excessive computer use can lead to serious imbalances, of which headaches, eye strain and carpal tunnel syndrome are merely symptoms. In Chinese medicine, the condition is generally described as excess fire in the liver. The liver nourishes the eyes and is associated with analytical reasoning and verbalization. Note that the liver's "time" is from 1:00 to 3:00am. If you're usually awake then, your liver is not being recharged properly. In other words, if you must hack, try not to do it late at night. If you develop symptoms, see an acupuncturist as soon as possible. In my experience, acupuncture and certain crystals (especially malachite) are the only things that work, other than not using computers.-
Wow, thanks Church of Euthanasia! I had no idea that staring at a computer screen really late at night could make my eyes hurt! I honestly had no idea that if I didn’t sleep from one to three that I was causing serious damage to my liver, either! Whatever would I do without your inspiring words and advice?
Well, for starters, my IQ might jump a good twenty points. For the love of God, now we’re talking about crystals that can ‘heal’ you. You heard the man, kiddies. Next time your bum hurts, go grab a big rock and push it up your ass until you either pass out from exertion or soil yourself. Oh, I’d also like to point out the flaw in what Captain Happy says by telling you to stay away from computers. It’s pretty simple to see, but how in the hell is anyone going to hear the rest of your warped messages if they actually listen to you and get off of the computer? Hm, looks like somebody didn’t think that one through.....
-But first, before we get started, let me take this opportunity to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a roaring success, and there were many enlightening conversations. Later everyone got very drunk, volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several acts of public sodomy were performed, one of which I still have bruises from, but never mind.-
I feel it should be reiterated that I am NOT making this up. I’m even going to give you a link at the end so you can look, yourself. These people seriously advocate these things, and totally think that meat is evil, it contains the misery of animals, and you absorb said misery by eating it, therefore becoming miserable yourself. We’re going to overlook the fact that acquired characteristics are un-inheritable, because then we’d have to be rational. Can’t have that. Also, since we’re so against being wasteful and all that, why are we drinking so much that we can all get drunk and have orgies in mud? And do you know what that volleyball was made out of? Or the net? Those are certainly things you don’t need! Quit wasting the earth’s precious resources! God!
-See they are still helping to destroy the harmonic balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them. "O.K.," you say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?" I'll tell you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious resources. Stop procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what you need to just because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of Euthanasia. Kill yourself!-
I have a question for Mr. Yanni Cooper (The guest speech giver for this ‘sermon’, number three); If killing yourself is the best way to reduce the world’s population and rid the world of its suffering, then why are you still breathing? Why are you out here, telling people to kill themselves, when you’re too much of a little chicken shit to do it yourself? As soon as you kick your own bucket, let me know so there can be some validity to the garbage dribbling from your mouth. Oh, wait, you’ll be dead, so I guess you couldn’t tell me. Still, feel free to validate your point, all the same.
-Cannibalism, like all of these points, should ALSO be made legal. Good point on it being flesh already dead! Instead of burying the dead of our race in a way that the body is preserved, instead, let me propose that bodies of the dead should be cremated, buried in the ground so that the body can decompose quickly, donated to medical science, or broken down into its nutrients for use as food-stuffs. With food shortage being as it is, remember Benjamin Franklin: Waste not, want not!-
Oh yeah, Ben Franklin was definitely a cannibal. Please, listen to this guy (Called $aint @ndrew). The only person he ever ate was some guy, and said guy walked away a happy man. Splendidly said, Mr. @ndrew. It IS wasteful not to eat people after they die. It’s also kind of sad to send our number twos down to the sewer children, so why don’t you start eating that, too? You can have an equal balance of shit going into AND leaving your mouth!
-Keep up the good work! And fret not in the face of those who tell you to take your own advice. As I've been telling people for years: "Rest assured, I'll kill myself when I see you've fulfilled your part. I know I can trust myself to "put out the light", as Shakespeare would have it, but as for yourself, that I cannot trust."-
Yet more inspiring words from $aint @ndrew. Guess I know why they don’t kill themselves, as I previously asked. How silly of me. I think it’s kind of funny how he says he’ll kill himself after you do. That’s like saying to one of your buddies as you rest atop a huge ass hill on your bikes, both waiting for the other to go. Your friend looks at you and says, ‘You first man, I’ll be right behind you!’, and you summon up all your guts and push forward to ride down that monster hill. Your friend watches in amusement from the safety above as you speed down the hill and crash, shaking his head and laughing, ‘What a dumbass!’.
-Well, we're all for it, and the sooner the better. Why be content with just peeing on the information highway when there's a way to DESTROY IT? The sooner the Internet dies, the sooner the people who spend all day masturbating themselves with it will wake up, and possibly even realize that they are living in a dream world. That's right! I'm talking to YOU! WAKE UP! Something's burning! I think it might be your MIND!-
I KNOW! READING YOUR GARBAGE HURTS! The sooner the internet dies, the sooner you lose all connectivity, jackass. If you hate it so much, STOP USING IT! Bloody hypocrite. The masterminds had been devising a way to cause crashes and ‘stick it to the man’, essentially. So not only are these people content on being self-righteous I’ll-kill-myself-right-after-you-do people, but they want to crash sites and be general ass holes. Fantastic, you guys are doing a wonderful job.
Oh man, I just can’t read anymore of it. It’s actually making me want to kill myself. Well done, Church of Euthanasia; You’ve pissed me off so bad that you actually got your wish. I want to die, now. Oh, never mind! I found a reason to not die! To stay alive to spite you! That thought alone will keep me going, ruining the world the best way I can. By eating and driving. I know, I’m such a horrible person. Here’s that link I promised:
1. http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/
If you disagree with anything I’ve written here, by all means, tell me. I would love nothing more than to convince you that you are wrong. My email’s just sitting there, waiting. If you agree with me, all the better. You’re not as stupid as I thought. Tell these people they’re nuts.
Quite the nutjo.....I mean, charmer, isn't she?
I went in there with an open mind. Granted, I assumed most of it would be like dunking my head into a barrel of horse dung, but I was still set to read and listen to what they had to say. After all, if I closed my mind before I even checked out the material I wouldn’t be able to do an objective analysis, would I? No, I wouldn’t. I read the first four ‘sermons’, and took out quotes from them to help give you a basic idea of what’s going on, there. Here you go:
-Internet users are by and large highly educated members of the elite, and therefore very likely to be indoctrinated.-
I’m going to go ahead and challenge this statement in the best way I know how: By pointing out that most people on the internet can barely even SPELL! I’d be hard pressed to find a ‘highly educated member of the elite’ on practically any forum, and if this presumptuous dick thinks he can pick out the ‘highly educated’ ones and invite them to kill themselves, AND experience any amount of success, then he’s even dumber than I thought. Now that’s saying something, considering I was wondering if he’d beat out a fish in the logic department.
Here’s a particularly helpful hint on how to become a better person, and do as little damage to our Great Mother Earth as possible:
-Use computers as little as possible. I know this is difficult, especially for you Internet users out there, but it makes a big difference. Like televisions, computers emit substantial amounts of ELF radiation, but more important, they encourage certain types of thinking at the expense of others. Excessive computer use can lead to serious imbalances, of which headaches, eye strain and carpal tunnel syndrome are merely symptoms. In Chinese medicine, the condition is generally described as excess fire in the liver. The liver nourishes the eyes and is associated with analytical reasoning and verbalization. Note that the liver's "time" is from 1:00 to 3:00am. If you're usually awake then, your liver is not being recharged properly. In other words, if you must hack, try not to do it late at night. If you develop symptoms, see an acupuncturist as soon as possible. In my experience, acupuncture and certain crystals (especially malachite) are the only things that work, other than not using computers.-
Wow, thanks Church of Euthanasia! I had no idea that staring at a computer screen really late at night could make my eyes hurt! I honestly had no idea that if I didn’t sleep from one to three that I was causing serious damage to my liver, either! Whatever would I do without your inspiring words and advice?
Well, for starters, my IQ might jump a good twenty points. For the love of God, now we’re talking about crystals that can ‘heal’ you. You heard the man, kiddies. Next time your bum hurts, go grab a big rock and push it up your ass until you either pass out from exertion or soil yourself. Oh, I’d also like to point out the flaw in what Captain Happy says by telling you to stay away from computers. It’s pretty simple to see, but how in the hell is anyone going to hear the rest of your warped messages if they actually listen to you and get off of the computer? Hm, looks like somebody didn’t think that one through.....
-But first, before we get started, let me take this opportunity to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a roaring success, and there were many enlightening conversations. Later everyone got very drunk, volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several acts of public sodomy were performed, one of which I still have bruises from, but never mind.-
I feel it should be reiterated that I am NOT making this up. I’m even going to give you a link at the end so you can look, yourself. These people seriously advocate these things, and totally think that meat is evil, it contains the misery of animals, and you absorb said misery by eating it, therefore becoming miserable yourself. We’re going to overlook the fact that acquired characteristics are un-inheritable, because then we’d have to be rational. Can’t have that. Also, since we’re so against being wasteful and all that, why are we drinking so much that we can all get drunk and have orgies in mud? And do you know what that volleyball was made out of? Or the net? Those are certainly things you don’t need! Quit wasting the earth’s precious resources! God!
-See they are still helping to destroy the harmonic balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them. "O.K.," you say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?" I'll tell you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious resources. Stop procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what you need to just because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of Euthanasia. Kill yourself!-
I have a question for Mr. Yanni Cooper (The guest speech giver for this ‘sermon’, number three); If killing yourself is the best way to reduce the world’s population and rid the world of its suffering, then why are you still breathing? Why are you out here, telling people to kill themselves, when you’re too much of a little chicken shit to do it yourself? As soon as you kick your own bucket, let me know so there can be some validity to the garbage dribbling from your mouth. Oh, wait, you’ll be dead, so I guess you couldn’t tell me. Still, feel free to validate your point, all the same.
-Cannibalism, like all of these points, should ALSO be made legal. Good point on it being flesh already dead! Instead of burying the dead of our race in a way that the body is preserved, instead, let me propose that bodies of the dead should be cremated, buried in the ground so that the body can decompose quickly, donated to medical science, or broken down into its nutrients for use as food-stuffs. With food shortage being as it is, remember Benjamin Franklin: Waste not, want not!-
Oh yeah, Ben Franklin was definitely a cannibal. Please, listen to this guy (Called $aint @ndrew). The only person he ever ate was some guy, and said guy walked away a happy man. Splendidly said, Mr. @ndrew. It IS wasteful not to eat people after they die. It’s also kind of sad to send our number twos down to the sewer children, so why don’t you start eating that, too? You can have an equal balance of shit going into AND leaving your mouth!
-Keep up the good work! And fret not in the face of those who tell you to take your own advice. As I've been telling people for years: "Rest assured, I'll kill myself when I see you've fulfilled your part. I know I can trust myself to "put out the light", as Shakespeare would have it, but as for yourself, that I cannot trust."-
Yet more inspiring words from $aint @ndrew. Guess I know why they don’t kill themselves, as I previously asked. How silly of me. I think it’s kind of funny how he says he’ll kill himself after you do. That’s like saying to one of your buddies as you rest atop a huge ass hill on your bikes, both waiting for the other to go. Your friend looks at you and says, ‘You first man, I’ll be right behind you!’, and you summon up all your guts and push forward to ride down that monster hill. Your friend watches in amusement from the safety above as you speed down the hill and crash, shaking his head and laughing, ‘What a dumbass!’.
-Well, we're all for it, and the sooner the better. Why be content with just peeing on the information highway when there's a way to DESTROY IT? The sooner the Internet dies, the sooner the people who spend all day masturbating themselves with it will wake up, and possibly even realize that they are living in a dream world. That's right! I'm talking to YOU! WAKE UP! Something's burning! I think it might be your MIND!-
I KNOW! READING YOUR GARBAGE HURTS! The sooner the internet dies, the sooner you lose all connectivity, jackass. If you hate it so much, STOP USING IT! Bloody hypocrite. The masterminds had been devising a way to cause crashes and ‘stick it to the man’, essentially. So not only are these people content on being self-righteous I’ll-kill-myself-right-after-you-do people, but they want to crash sites and be general ass holes. Fantastic, you guys are doing a wonderful job.
Oh man, I just can’t read anymore of it. It’s actually making me want to kill myself. Well done, Church of Euthanasia; You’ve pissed me off so bad that you actually got your wish. I want to die, now. Oh, never mind! I found a reason to not die! To stay alive to spite you! That thought alone will keep me going, ruining the world the best way I can. By eating and driving. I know, I’m such a horrible person. Here’s that link I promised:
1. http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/
If you disagree with anything I’ve written here, by all means, tell me. I would love nothing more than to convince you that you are wrong. My email’s just sitting there, waiting. If you agree with me, all the better. You’re not as stupid as I thought. Tell these people they’re nuts.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
How To Drive Like An Ass Hole
I had some white trash ass hole throw a bottle at me when I was walking down the street. I didn't even know the guy, but he felt obligated to throw crap at me as he drove by. Maybe it was because he was jealous of my stunning good looks and chiseled physique, maybe it was because he mistook me for a very attractive garbage disposal unit, maybe it was because he wanted to protect me from a stalker that was following me and he missed with his projectile protection, I don’t know.
Why did this person throw something at me from their car as they drove by? Well, I would imagine that it was because when some people are in their cars, they feel untouchable. They can do about whatever they feel like, and it’s ok. You get to lock yourself in a metal box and listen to music or a talk show on the radio (Of your own choosing, unless your spouse or child has you whipped). No one can mess with you, or interfere with your personal space. You’re in total control. Time to speed, baby!
This, I believe (So it must be true), contributes quite a lot to automobile accidents. The feeling of power and security that it gives some people is just too much for them to handle, thus they do whatever they want, which usually is to be the biggest ass hole they can for as long as they can. Stopping car accidents before they happen starts with you. Yes, you! The next time you’re sitting next to someone who’s driving, you need to take away that sense of security and power; the sense that they’re untouchable. Lean over and act like you’re trying to grab something, then give them a quick jab to the ribs or smack to the face. You will have saved their life by making them realize they aren’t untouchable, just undesirable.
To drive like an ass hole effectively, follow these simple steps:
1. When no one is around, drive the speed limit, or just slightly above it. When someone is behind you, go ten to twenty miles slower than the speed limit, only speeding up to the correct speeds when they try to pass you. Should they try to pass you even when you’re going the speed limit, then you MUST speed to keep them from getting in front of you. If you’re real good at this, maybe you can get the person to crash into oncoming traffic!
2. Cut people off. I’m not talking about refusing your uncle any more to drink at the next family reunion because ‘She might come back’, I’m talking about swinging in front of people when, really, you should wait for them to pass. Often, the offended party will honk at you for performing this action. This is how you know you’ve done a good job. If you’re intent on ruining this person’s day (As people tend to dwell on things like this), honk back at them like it was their fault. They’ll tell everyone what a jackass ‘that driver’ was, but inside they’ll be second guessing who should really have the blame. You’ve got to be a big ass hole to pull that off, though.
3. Ride their bumper. The person in front of you, if they are going a little slow, probably doesn’t know where they’re going. They go slow to see if they can spot any sign that will help them out, because being lost can be embarrassing and frustrating. If you want to find out just how lost they may be, check their license plate. An out of state plate means they’re probably really lost. As was said, it’s embarrassing to get lost. What better way to brighten up their day than to make them feel even more embarrassed by being a dick about it? There should be maybe two to three inches between your bumper and theirs. Often, the mean-hearted bastards behind you will go bumper to bumper with you, thus forming a long chain of cars ‘stuck’ behind the one lost car. Congratulations, you just made an out of towner feel welcome!
4. Double park. This seems to piss people off quite efficiently, as you don’t even have to be in your car for it to work! You can just leave it in a couple of parking spots, and go do whatever else while you make random people upset at the same time! What could be better? Maybe a sundae, but that would be about it. The downside to this ass hole tactic is that it may result in your car being keyed, or vandalized in some other form. If you own a crappy car (Ex: A Hummer), then it’s ok; Risk it.
5. When you’re in a parking lot and it’s raining, don’t stop to let pedestrians by. You want to keep them out there for as long as you can, because they might catch a cold, or something. Also, if you stop to let them by, not only do you perform an act you are legally bound to perform, but you pass up the chance to splash water on them! That’s too much to give up, law or not!
6. Be a teenager, and fill your car up with your obnoxious friends and loud pop music. Point and laugh at people for no reason, and make a big deal about it. Like, slap your knee and bounce up and down. Make sure your friends open their mouths as wide as they can when they laugh for dramatic effect. When the people around you take notice and look at you like you and your ‘posse’ are idiots, you’ve done your job.
7. Talk on a cell phone. Nothing says ‘I don’t care about my safety, so I’m going to send yours straight to hell, too!’, like a pointless conversation with someone on the freeway. Way to go! The only solace your fellow drivers may find is the knowledge that you’ll probably end up with a brain tumor.
Now that you have some basic information on how to drive like an ass hole, you’re ready to hit the road!
Now.....
I hate driving. Seriously, it's like having an aneurism voluntarily. When you get behind the wheel, it's the equivalent of signing a legal contract for an anger stroke. It doesn't matter how good of a driver you are, because the idiots near you are probably some of the crappiest drivers in the world. If you aren't sure, try and figure out how old they are at a red light. If they're anywhere between the age of infancy to dead, then you're screwed; They're a terrible driver.
Let’s think about this for a moment. To drive, one needs a car, right? Well, cars are pretty damn expensive, and are built to last only a short while. Why do they only last a short while? So you’ll buy another one, of course! You may still be paying off the first one, but since it’s a piece of crap that looks nice, what can you do? It’s not cost effective to make cars that last as long as we’re capable of making them last. Uh huh, chances are, you’re getting financially raped by the automobile industry. On a related topic, don’t you find it funny how you have to fill your car with gas to make it run? You do know that gas is made up of dead animals and stuff, right? Yeah, you have to fill your car up with death to make it work. Peachy.
Also related to this, automobile accidents kill an estimated 1.2 million people per year worldwide (WHO, 2004). That’s kind of a lot. So, you pay a ton of money to get an item that you pay a ton of money to buy death for, said item being involved in the deaths of over a million people per year. Be sure to buckle up! Don’t forget your cell phone!
I was in a line at a fast food restaurant today, and the lady told me to pull off to the side and wait for my food. Being the good-natured citizen that I am, I complied and pulled up behind the other car that had been instructed to do so. A few minutes went by, and my food was brought out to me. I thanked the woman, and told her to have a good day. I was listening to System of a Down, though, so I think she was a little put off. Anyway, I wait for the person at the front of the line to get his order so I can leave without him hitting me, or getting in his way at all. After he gets his food and moves on, I come out left to follow him, only to have a car come at me from behind going thirty and nearly hitting me. Of course, the ass hole honks and acts like it was my fault that he doesn't know how to drive. I mutter 'dipshit' under my breath, and go about my business.
Inside, though, I was wondering what would be funnier: Follow him wherever he's going and knife his tires, or find out if breaks are as easy to cut as I think they are.
I'm not bitter at all.
-Serac-
Why did this person throw something at me from their car as they drove by? Well, I would imagine that it was because when some people are in their cars, they feel untouchable. They can do about whatever they feel like, and it’s ok. You get to lock yourself in a metal box and listen to music or a talk show on the radio (Of your own choosing, unless your spouse or child has you whipped). No one can mess with you, or interfere with your personal space. You’re in total control. Time to speed, baby!
This, I believe (So it must be true), contributes quite a lot to automobile accidents. The feeling of power and security that it gives some people is just too much for them to handle, thus they do whatever they want, which usually is to be the biggest ass hole they can for as long as they can. Stopping car accidents before they happen starts with you. Yes, you! The next time you’re sitting next to someone who’s driving, you need to take away that sense of security and power; the sense that they’re untouchable. Lean over and act like you’re trying to grab something, then give them a quick jab to the ribs or smack to the face. You will have saved their life by making them realize they aren’t untouchable, just undesirable.
To drive like an ass hole effectively, follow these simple steps:
1. When no one is around, drive the speed limit, or just slightly above it. When someone is behind you, go ten to twenty miles slower than the speed limit, only speeding up to the correct speeds when they try to pass you. Should they try to pass you even when you’re going the speed limit, then you MUST speed to keep them from getting in front of you. If you’re real good at this, maybe you can get the person to crash into oncoming traffic!
2. Cut people off. I’m not talking about refusing your uncle any more to drink at the next family reunion because ‘She might come back’, I’m talking about swinging in front of people when, really, you should wait for them to pass. Often, the offended party will honk at you for performing this action. This is how you know you’ve done a good job. If you’re intent on ruining this person’s day (As people tend to dwell on things like this), honk back at them like it was their fault. They’ll tell everyone what a jackass ‘that driver’ was, but inside they’ll be second guessing who should really have the blame. You’ve got to be a big ass hole to pull that off, though.
3. Ride their bumper. The person in front of you, if they are going a little slow, probably doesn’t know where they’re going. They go slow to see if they can spot any sign that will help them out, because being lost can be embarrassing and frustrating. If you want to find out just how lost they may be, check their license plate. An out of state plate means they’re probably really lost. As was said, it’s embarrassing to get lost. What better way to brighten up their day than to make them feel even more embarrassed by being a dick about it? There should be maybe two to three inches between your bumper and theirs. Often, the mean-hearted bastards behind you will go bumper to bumper with you, thus forming a long chain of cars ‘stuck’ behind the one lost car. Congratulations, you just made an out of towner feel welcome!
4. Double park. This seems to piss people off quite efficiently, as you don’t even have to be in your car for it to work! You can just leave it in a couple of parking spots, and go do whatever else while you make random people upset at the same time! What could be better? Maybe a sundae, but that would be about it. The downside to this ass hole tactic is that it may result in your car being keyed, or vandalized in some other form. If you own a crappy car (Ex: A Hummer), then it’s ok; Risk it.
5. When you’re in a parking lot and it’s raining, don’t stop to let pedestrians by. You want to keep them out there for as long as you can, because they might catch a cold, or something. Also, if you stop to let them by, not only do you perform an act you are legally bound to perform, but you pass up the chance to splash water on them! That’s too much to give up, law or not!
6. Be a teenager, and fill your car up with your obnoxious friends and loud pop music. Point and laugh at people for no reason, and make a big deal about it. Like, slap your knee and bounce up and down. Make sure your friends open their mouths as wide as they can when they laugh for dramatic effect. When the people around you take notice and look at you like you and your ‘posse’ are idiots, you’ve done your job.
7. Talk on a cell phone. Nothing says ‘I don’t care about my safety, so I’m going to send yours straight to hell, too!’, like a pointless conversation with someone on the freeway. Way to go! The only solace your fellow drivers may find is the knowledge that you’ll probably end up with a brain tumor.
Now that you have some basic information on how to drive like an ass hole, you’re ready to hit the road!
Now.....
I hate driving. Seriously, it's like having an aneurism voluntarily. When you get behind the wheel, it's the equivalent of signing a legal contract for an anger stroke. It doesn't matter how good of a driver you are, because the idiots near you are probably some of the crappiest drivers in the world. If you aren't sure, try and figure out how old they are at a red light. If they're anywhere between the age of infancy to dead, then you're screwed; They're a terrible driver.
Let’s think about this for a moment. To drive, one needs a car, right? Well, cars are pretty damn expensive, and are built to last only a short while. Why do they only last a short while? So you’ll buy another one, of course! You may still be paying off the first one, but since it’s a piece of crap that looks nice, what can you do? It’s not cost effective to make cars that last as long as we’re capable of making them last. Uh huh, chances are, you’re getting financially raped by the automobile industry. On a related topic, don’t you find it funny how you have to fill your car with gas to make it run? You do know that gas is made up of dead animals and stuff, right? Yeah, you have to fill your car up with death to make it work. Peachy.
Also related to this, automobile accidents kill an estimated 1.2 million people per year worldwide (WHO, 2004). That’s kind of a lot. So, you pay a ton of money to get an item that you pay a ton of money to buy death for, said item being involved in the deaths of over a million people per year. Be sure to buckle up! Don’t forget your cell phone!
I was in a line at a fast food restaurant today, and the lady told me to pull off to the side and wait for my food. Being the good-natured citizen that I am, I complied and pulled up behind the other car that had been instructed to do so. A few minutes went by, and my food was brought out to me. I thanked the woman, and told her to have a good day. I was listening to System of a Down, though, so I think she was a little put off. Anyway, I wait for the person at the front of the line to get his order so I can leave without him hitting me, or getting in his way at all. After he gets his food and moves on, I come out left to follow him, only to have a car come at me from behind going thirty and nearly hitting me. Of course, the ass hole honks and acts like it was my fault that he doesn't know how to drive. I mutter 'dipshit' under my breath, and go about my business.
Inside, though, I was wondering what would be funnier: Follow him wherever he's going and knife his tires, or find out if breaks are as easy to cut as I think they are.
I'm not bitter at all.
-Serac-
Thursday, January 18, 2007
That Babies Are Evil
A good question would be ‘Are people evil?’, but that’s not the question we’re going to look at, today. We’re going to look at the littlest of people, the baby, and whether or not they are evil.
Let’s take an objective look at the things babies do to help us figure this one out:
1. They eat and drink. Really, I could rephrase this as they get fed and pampered. They don’t work for the food, they expect you to clothe them and give them cool toys and stuff, and they cry whenever they can’t have their way. Actually, they’ll cry even if they get their way just to piss you off. Ironically, everything I just said about babies applies to your average teenage girl.
2. They need to burp afterwards (After eating). You would think this is straightforward enough that they could handle it, but no. You have to prop them up on your shoulder and forcibly pat them on the back to provide support in the attempt to expel the unwanted gases. This typically results in them vomiting all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house. Oops, I mean spit up all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house, because there’s a big difference.
3. After said feeding and burping, odds are is they have to use the restroom. Oh, sorry, I meant to say your lap. Babies are lazy, and won’t get up to use the bathroom. They’d rather just unload all over their clothes, or, heaven forbid, you.
4. Now that they have a hefty load in their pants, they need you to take care of their business. Commercial businesses profit off of this by selling diapers and wipes, though you may as well just pass on the second item. Your dignity serves as just as fine a wiping device as anything else.
5. After all of this is said and done (Points one through four encompassing your average baby’s day), the baby still has the audacity to expect you to stay up all night with it. You would think that the infant would need to sleep after sucking the life out of you all day, but babies have complex and intricate sleeping patterns. The way it works is that when a baby is in a room (Or, in the case of a powerful baby, a house or apartment complex), only one creature is allowed to sleep in the area at a time. So, should you happen to start drifting off to sleep, the baby will instinctively cry to wake you up so he or she can go back to sleep. Why would they do this, you may ask? Simple: Babies are selfish, and don’t care about your happiness!
Well, Serac, if babies are so evil, why don’t people just get rid of them? I’ll bet you think you’ve got me cornered with a question like that, don’t you? Well, my presumptuous reader, you would be wrong. For you see, babies possess a certain characteristic that prevents us older humans from shipping them all off to sweatshops around the world. That characteristic has been sought after (Rather unsuccessfully) by every female teen pop singer who winds up settling for hot (Also unsuccessfully. Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff remind me more of crack addicts than hotness, and crack addicts are anti-hot. Clean up, dumbasses). This attribute, if you haven’t already placed it for yourself, is cuteness.
Babies are almost inherently cute; Being a baby almost means being cute. I mean, people in relationships often call each other baby. Unless we’re talking about pedophiles of an extreme and disturbing nature (More disturbing), we can assume they are implying their partner is cute, all while addressing them. It’s an economical way to get their attention and let them know you think they look nice. All in one word. People are really lazy (After all, we’re all just grown up babies, and some habits you can’t kick. Not like crack, dammit, I’ll kick your ass!), and would rather say ‘baby’ instead of ‘Jennifer, I just want you to know that you look amazing, and I am so glad you’re mine’, or some other sentimental line the guy probably doesn’t mean. Babies, if they could talk, would be liars. So it only makes sense that grown up people would be full of deceit and trickery, too.
Even though I know that they’re full of evil and hate, I find myself inexplicably drawn to their overpowering cuteness. I want to hold them, hug them, and give them stuff. I know, it’s twisted. Still don’t think babies are evil? Here’s a video of a mom and dad pretending to cough so they can gauge their child’s reaction to their feigned sickness and suffering:
Truly, a child who wishes to see the world full of pain and sadness. You’ll notice how the parents couldn’t help but laugh at the cuteness, despite the obvious signs of diabolical evil.
So in conclusion, my friends, I would say to you that you should beware of the baby’s tact and dark ways. They will exploit and use you for everything that you’re worth, and as soon as they’re able they’ll stab you in the back just because they can. Ironically enough, again, everything I just said applies to your average teenage girl.
-Serac-
Let’s take an objective look at the things babies do to help us figure this one out:
1. They eat and drink. Really, I could rephrase this as they get fed and pampered. They don’t work for the food, they expect you to clothe them and give them cool toys and stuff, and they cry whenever they can’t have their way. Actually, they’ll cry even if they get their way just to piss you off. Ironically, everything I just said about babies applies to your average teenage girl.
2. They need to burp afterwards (After eating). You would think this is straightforward enough that they could handle it, but no. You have to prop them up on your shoulder and forcibly pat them on the back to provide support in the attempt to expel the unwanted gases. This typically results in them vomiting all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house. Oops, I mean spit up all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house, because there’s a big difference.
3. After said feeding and burping, odds are is they have to use the restroom. Oh, sorry, I meant to say your lap. Babies are lazy, and won’t get up to use the bathroom. They’d rather just unload all over their clothes, or, heaven forbid, you.
4. Now that they have a hefty load in their pants, they need you to take care of their business. Commercial businesses profit off of this by selling diapers and wipes, though you may as well just pass on the second item. Your dignity serves as just as fine a wiping device as anything else.
5. After all of this is said and done (Points one through four encompassing your average baby’s day), the baby still has the audacity to expect you to stay up all night with it. You would think that the infant would need to sleep after sucking the life out of you all day, but babies have complex and intricate sleeping patterns. The way it works is that when a baby is in a room (Or, in the case of a powerful baby, a house or apartment complex), only one creature is allowed to sleep in the area at a time. So, should you happen to start drifting off to sleep, the baby will instinctively cry to wake you up so he or she can go back to sleep. Why would they do this, you may ask? Simple: Babies are selfish, and don’t care about your happiness!
Well, Serac, if babies are so evil, why don’t people just get rid of them? I’ll bet you think you’ve got me cornered with a question like that, don’t you? Well, my presumptuous reader, you would be wrong. For you see, babies possess a certain characteristic that prevents us older humans from shipping them all off to sweatshops around the world. That characteristic has been sought after (Rather unsuccessfully) by every female teen pop singer who winds up settling for hot (Also unsuccessfully. Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff remind me more of crack addicts than hotness, and crack addicts are anti-hot. Clean up, dumbasses). This attribute, if you haven’t already placed it for yourself, is cuteness.
Babies are almost inherently cute; Being a baby almost means being cute. I mean, people in relationships often call each other baby. Unless we’re talking about pedophiles of an extreme and disturbing nature (More disturbing), we can assume they are implying their partner is cute, all while addressing them. It’s an economical way to get their attention and let them know you think they look nice. All in one word. People are really lazy (After all, we’re all just grown up babies, and some habits you can’t kick. Not like crack, dammit, I’ll kick your ass!), and would rather say ‘baby’ instead of ‘Jennifer, I just want you to know that you look amazing, and I am so glad you’re mine’, or some other sentimental line the guy probably doesn’t mean. Babies, if they could talk, would be liars. So it only makes sense that grown up people would be full of deceit and trickery, too.
Even though I know that they’re full of evil and hate, I find myself inexplicably drawn to their overpowering cuteness. I want to hold them, hug them, and give them stuff. I know, it’s twisted. Still don’t think babies are evil? Here’s a video of a mom and dad pretending to cough so they can gauge their child’s reaction to their feigned sickness and suffering:
Truly, a child who wishes to see the world full of pain and sadness. You’ll notice how the parents couldn’t help but laugh at the cuteness, despite the obvious signs of diabolical evil.
So in conclusion, my friends, I would say to you that you should beware of the baby’s tact and dark ways. They will exploit and use you for everything that you’re worth, and as soon as they’re able they’ll stab you in the back just because they can. Ironically enough, again, everything I just said applies to your average teenage girl.
-Serac-
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Who Are The Fab Five?
Here’s a true life story for you guys.
Ok, I recently discovered that there is a group of five female students in the state of Texas known as the ‘Fab Five’. I barely managed to survive reading that name, as the pulses of gay and idiocy washed over me in waves of suck. I’m not even kidding, my brother picked me up off of the floor and had to play Pantera for over ten minutes to bring me back.
After I had mentally prepared myself to continue reading the article that promised to be full of teen glorifying stupidity, I kept going. It turns out that these five girls were on the cheerleading squad, and had just driven off their fourth coach in a single year. I knew something was wrong when I read that, but that will be kept to myself for the moment.
These five girls reportedly insulted teachers, skipped classes, posted sexually suggestive pictures of themselves up on Myspace, blah, blah, blah, let’s be rebellious. People claimed that the girls were ‘above the consequences’ and ‘were invincible’. Actually, the coach that they ran away said these things. On national television, no less. I forget the news show she was on, but it pissed me off like nobody’s business to hear her say that. You can bet your ass if I did anything like insult teachers or skip classes, I’d have the hammer of God fall down on me. So what, you may ask, allowed these girls to act the way they did?
I would like to say that it was their God awful parents, but.....Oh, wait, it was. It just so happens that the alleged ‘ringleader’ of this mighty group of estrogen fueled super bitches was the daughter of the principal. Not that she would abuse her position and shield her daughter from any sort of repercussion for her actions, God no.
Well, people started to get upset about how things were going. Maybe something that helped to set them off was how these girls stole their coach’s cell phone and sent inappropriate text messages to her husband, and another coach. I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, as I said, people were getting upset. So upset that nothing was being done, actually, that they requested the principal resign. For abusing her power and being a crappy parent, she received a seventy-five thousand dollar deal and a letter of recommendation upon her departure. I’m not making this up, this actually happened.
Oh, I almost forgot to say that these stupid girls are still on the cheerleading squad. It took the members of the board a week to decide whether or not to remove them from the team, but in the end they decided NOT to get rid of them. I’ve no doubt that the principal, one of these girl’s mothers, had nothing at all to do with that decision. She claims she did not use her authority to protect her daughter at all, and of course I don’t think she would lie to us to protect her image. That would be wrong.
Sweet mother of God, people, give me a break! This woman abused her powers to let her kid act like the ungrateful, stupid ditz she wants to grow up to be! These girls are under the delusion that they’re something special, well, news flash! You’re not. You’re only proving that you’re stupid and disrespectful by not only pissing around in school, but by skanking around on the internet, stealing, and doing your damned best to make me hate you. Mission accomplished, Fab Five, I want you to spontaneously combust.
Their ex coach, on national television, claimed that these five girls were just exploiting this power (Of being invulnerable to the rules and laws, I guess) like any other teenager would. After reading this, I believe I had an aneurism because I awoke several hours later in a daze. I forced myself to continue reading, only to find detective dumb-ass giving me his breakdown of the situation. This professional, or whatever the hell he was, says that kids are gonna be kids, and.....he wrapped it up with some crock load of suck that I must have blocked out of my memory for my own safety.
These people are morons. I would NOT have taken advantage of any power like that, because it’s not my power to take advantage of! The principal should have suspended their asses for being such haughty little fools. If I acted the way they did, I would be offended if I didn’t get suspended. I would feel discriminated against, and I would take the fool to court and demand she suspend me.
Second, this other idiot who says kids are going to be kids needs to return his degree to wherever he got it from, and hit the bottle. Hard. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll drink himself out of Idiotburg and he can be a productive member of society. Then he can tell the Fab Five the secret to it, and maybe they’ll learn from him and stop being so pathetic. If kids are going to be kids, what are the rest of the people following the rules going to be like? Adults? So, everyone who disobeys the rules is a kid, and they get away with it because they’re kids. That makes perfect sense, you dipstick.
I want to lay all the blame on these girls just being stupid, but that wouldn’t be fair to the stupid principal or the other parents, now would it? No, I don’t want to discriminate as all stupidity needs addressing. These people obviously never beat their children or disciplined them in any other way that Super Nanny wouldn’t approve of. Super Nanny should just drop the communication crap and just strap a shock collar on all of the kids she meets. When they start to get bad, just give them a buzz to let them know you mean business. No more disobedience.
I would make a kick-ass man nanny. I’d give out complimentary shock collars, and would show the parents how to use them. In fact, I think everyone under the age of eighteen should wear one. This would solve all manners of disobedience. Parents would finally be back in control (Though how they at some point lost it baffles me. How the hell do you lose control of something you support for YEARS?). Your kid giving you back talk? Doing drugs? Screwing around with people for the hell of it? Being a general asshole? Push the button and give them a shock, tell them to shut the hell up and go do their homework. Problem solved.
Seriously, I’m so mad at these people right now I can’t even remember what my initial point was. Something about.....Texas sucking, or something. I don’t know, whatever. I’m gonna go try and bleach my mind clean of these thoughts by doing.....something, God, I don’t even know. I do know this, however: The Fab Five can suck it.
Ok, I recently discovered that there is a group of five female students in the state of Texas known as the ‘Fab Five’. I barely managed to survive reading that name, as the pulses of gay and idiocy washed over me in waves of suck. I’m not even kidding, my brother picked me up off of the floor and had to play Pantera for over ten minutes to bring me back.
After I had mentally prepared myself to continue reading the article that promised to be full of teen glorifying stupidity, I kept going. It turns out that these five girls were on the cheerleading squad, and had just driven off their fourth coach in a single year. I knew something was wrong when I read that, but that will be kept to myself for the moment.
These five girls reportedly insulted teachers, skipped classes, posted sexually suggestive pictures of themselves up on Myspace, blah, blah, blah, let’s be rebellious. People claimed that the girls were ‘above the consequences’ and ‘were invincible’. Actually, the coach that they ran away said these things. On national television, no less. I forget the news show she was on, but it pissed me off like nobody’s business to hear her say that. You can bet your ass if I did anything like insult teachers or skip classes, I’d have the hammer of God fall down on me. So what, you may ask, allowed these girls to act the way they did?
I would like to say that it was their God awful parents, but.....Oh, wait, it was. It just so happens that the alleged ‘ringleader’ of this mighty group of estrogen fueled super bitches was the daughter of the principal. Not that she would abuse her position and shield her daughter from any sort of repercussion for her actions, God no.
Well, people started to get upset about how things were going. Maybe something that helped to set them off was how these girls stole their coach’s cell phone and sent inappropriate text messages to her husband, and another coach. I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, as I said, people were getting upset. So upset that nothing was being done, actually, that they requested the principal resign. For abusing her power and being a crappy parent, she received a seventy-five thousand dollar deal and a letter of recommendation upon her departure. I’m not making this up, this actually happened.
Oh, I almost forgot to say that these stupid girls are still on the cheerleading squad. It took the members of the board a week to decide whether or not to remove them from the team, but in the end they decided NOT to get rid of them. I’ve no doubt that the principal, one of these girl’s mothers, had nothing at all to do with that decision. She claims she did not use her authority to protect her daughter at all, and of course I don’t think she would lie to us to protect her image. That would be wrong.
Sweet mother of God, people, give me a break! This woman abused her powers to let her kid act like the ungrateful, stupid ditz she wants to grow up to be! These girls are under the delusion that they’re something special, well, news flash! You’re not. You’re only proving that you’re stupid and disrespectful by not only pissing around in school, but by skanking around on the internet, stealing, and doing your damned best to make me hate you. Mission accomplished, Fab Five, I want you to spontaneously combust.
Their ex coach, on national television, claimed that these five girls were just exploiting this power (Of being invulnerable to the rules and laws, I guess) like any other teenager would. After reading this, I believe I had an aneurism because I awoke several hours later in a daze. I forced myself to continue reading, only to find detective dumb-ass giving me his breakdown of the situation. This professional, or whatever the hell he was, says that kids are gonna be kids, and.....he wrapped it up with some crock load of suck that I must have blocked out of my memory for my own safety.
These people are morons. I would NOT have taken advantage of any power like that, because it’s not my power to take advantage of! The principal should have suspended their asses for being such haughty little fools. If I acted the way they did, I would be offended if I didn’t get suspended. I would feel discriminated against, and I would take the fool to court and demand she suspend me.
Second, this other idiot who says kids are going to be kids needs to return his degree to wherever he got it from, and hit the bottle. Hard. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll drink himself out of Idiotburg and he can be a productive member of society. Then he can tell the Fab Five the secret to it, and maybe they’ll learn from him and stop being so pathetic. If kids are going to be kids, what are the rest of the people following the rules going to be like? Adults? So, everyone who disobeys the rules is a kid, and they get away with it because they’re kids. That makes perfect sense, you dipstick.
I want to lay all the blame on these girls just being stupid, but that wouldn’t be fair to the stupid principal or the other parents, now would it? No, I don’t want to discriminate as all stupidity needs addressing. These people obviously never beat their children or disciplined them in any other way that Super Nanny wouldn’t approve of. Super Nanny should just drop the communication crap and just strap a shock collar on all of the kids she meets. When they start to get bad, just give them a buzz to let them know you mean business. No more disobedience.
I would make a kick-ass man nanny. I’d give out complimentary shock collars, and would show the parents how to use them. In fact, I think everyone under the age of eighteen should wear one. This would solve all manners of disobedience. Parents would finally be back in control (Though how they at some point lost it baffles me. How the hell do you lose control of something you support for YEARS?). Your kid giving you back talk? Doing drugs? Screwing around with people for the hell of it? Being a general asshole? Push the button and give them a shock, tell them to shut the hell up and go do their homework. Problem solved.
Seriously, I’m so mad at these people right now I can’t even remember what my initial point was. Something about.....Texas sucking, or something. I don’t know, whatever. I’m gonna go try and bleach my mind clean of these thoughts by doing.....something, God, I don’t even know. I do know this, however: The Fab Five can suck it.
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