That All Men Are Basically The Same

Are all men the same? That’s a very valid question, as we are brought up in the good old land of the free to believe that, indeed, all men are created equal. The definition for the word ‘equal’ is: Being the same in quantity, size, degree, value, or status. So even the United States Constitution tells us that, yes, all men are the same.

Logic tells us that surely every man can’t be a carbon copy of the other in our wide and vast world. That obnoxious four-hundred pounder that whistles at the cute girls as they pass by definitely isn’t any Matthew McConaughey (2005's sexiest man alive, apparently. I chose not to run, because I like competition, not blowouts. He wouldn’t have stood a chance). On an unrelated note, George Clooney is too old to be considered ‘sexy’ anymore, 2006. But if logic, mankind’s greatest asset, tells us that all men are NOT the same, how has this belief persisted for so long?

On what basis do women often judge men as ‘all the same’? Well, there are a variety of claims that can be made of the male species as a whole. One universal is that we all look bad in pink. The saying that ‘Tough guys wear pink’ is the equivalent of saying ‘Guys who like tough guys wear pink’. The day you see me wearing pink is the day you realize that masculinity is dead. Don’t worry; I don’t plan on ever letting that happen.

All men are essentially the same, but we can differentiate between any number of men by how emasculated they are. You see, every male comes out of the womb ready to eat nails and drink tabasco sauce all while training to be an effective pirate, but society chooses to intervene. Such are the times. Here is a mathematical formula that you can use to determine how far your masculinity has been eroded away:

Masculinity (M) divided by how many times you’ve dealt with emasculating nagging (EN) multiplied by the frequency of sex (per week is fine) (S) plus the number of ultimate cabins owned (UC(Because lumberjacks are REAL men, and every last one of them has a kick ass cabin)) minus however many kerchiefs you own (K). Here is what the formula looks like:

M/ENxS+UC-K.

Coincidentally, there is a simple way to remember this formula. I haven’t found it, yet, but it’s there. To use this formula, one must get an understanding of how it works. So let’s see an example. How emasculated is Joe Nobody, who will represent the general population of men? It should be noted that since all men start off with the same amount of masculinity, M is preset to the value of ten. Here’s the formula at work, with the final result being just how masculine Joe Nobody is:

First we take our masculinity and split it up via division for every time we’ve been nagged incessantly: 10/10,000 = .001

We then take our result, and multiply it by how many times sex is had in the week. 18-29-year-olds have it about 112 times per year (Piccinio, Mosher, 1998). So:

.001 x 2.15 (The average times per week as determined by dividing 112 by the number of weeks in a year) = .00215

Most men don’t own an ultimate cabin, as most men are not lumberjacks. As such, we carry our .00215 to the last step, which is to subtract from our current number the amount of kerchiefs we own, which for the love of goodness should only be 0. So, Joe Nobody, representative of the male species as we used nothing but honest to God averages, has a masculinity of .00215. It should be noted that I have a masculinity level well above the average man’s, and to be any amount of a man, you must AT LEAST have a five.

Women also like to say that all men are idiots. Words not being enough, allow this video to answer that question:



Good? Good. It should be noted, however, that any REAL man does all of these things before going to sleep at night. .....Only without messing up. Like me.

Another thing that women like to say about men is that they all want the same thing. If you can’t guess yourself what this thing is, I will tell you: A mini fridge. Every man wants a mini fridge, because they are marked pretty high on the awesome chart, and they drive women crazy. Seriously, I knew this guy who had a mini fridge, and he stocked it up with little beers and those tiny kick-ass smoked sausages, and he couldn’t even open his door to get his mail without some random woman wandering into his house.

The OTHER thing that all men want, according to women (and most men), is sex. Maybe that’s why we like mini fridges, I’m not positive. This stereotypical female thought of the male species has been around for as long as I’ve lived, which means it’s been around for at least eighteen years. The fact that our species hasn’t died out yet means that it’s probably been around for a little while longer, though. Did I just admit that all men want sex, and that even throughout our history as a species that’s all they’ve ever wanted? Rather than being a wuss and sidestepping this question, I’m gonna take it like a man and tell it like it is. I’m not gonna wet myself in the face of this problem, I’m gonna look women in the eye and say to them what every sane man would: Ma’am, no ma’am.