How To Drive Like An Ass Hole

I had some white trash ass hole throw a bottle at me when I was walking down the street. I didn't even know the guy, but he felt obligated to throw crap at me as he drove by. Maybe it was because he was jealous of my stunning good looks and chiseled physique, maybe it was because he mistook me for a very attractive garbage disposal unit, maybe it was because he wanted to protect me from a stalker that was following me and he missed with his projectile protection, I don’t know.

Why did this person throw something at me from their car as they drove by? Well, I would imagine that it was because when some people are in their cars, they feel untouchable. They can do about whatever they feel like, and it’s ok. You get to lock yourself in a metal box and listen to music or a talk show on the radio (Of your own choosing, unless your spouse or child has you whipped). No one can mess with you, or interfere with your personal space. You’re in total control. Time to speed, baby!

This, I believe (So it must be true), contributes quite a lot to automobile accidents. The feeling of power and security that it gives some people is just too much for them to handle, thus they do whatever they want, which usually is to be the biggest ass hole they can for as long as they can. Stopping car accidents before they happen starts with you. Yes, you! The next time you’re sitting next to someone who’s driving, you need to take away that sense of security and power; the sense that they’re untouchable. Lean over and act like you’re trying to grab something, then give them a quick jab to the ribs or smack to the face. You will have saved their life by making them realize they aren’t untouchable, just undesirable.

To drive like an ass hole effectively, follow these simple steps:

1. When no one is around, drive the speed limit, or just slightly above it. When someone is behind you, go ten to twenty miles slower than the speed limit, only speeding up to the correct speeds when they try to pass you. Should they try to pass you even when you’re going the speed limit, then you MUST speed to keep them from getting in front of you. If you’re real good at this, maybe you can get the person to crash into oncoming traffic!

2. Cut people off. I’m not talking about refusing your uncle any more to drink at the next family reunion because ‘She might come back’, I’m talking about swinging in front of people when, really, you should wait for them to pass. Often, the offended party will honk at you for performing this action. This is how you know you’ve done a good job. If you’re intent on ruining this person’s day (As people tend to dwell on things like this), honk back at them like it was their fault. They’ll tell everyone what a jackass ‘that driver’ was, but inside they’ll be second guessing who should really have the blame. You’ve got to be a big ass hole to pull that off, though.

3. Ride their bumper. The person in front of you, if they are going a little slow, probably doesn’t know where they’re going. They go slow to see if they can spot any sign that will help them out, because being lost can be embarrassing and frustrating. If you want to find out just how lost they may be, check their license plate. An out of state plate means they’re probably really lost. As was said, it’s embarrassing to get lost. What better way to brighten up their day than to make them feel even more embarrassed by being a dick about it? There should be maybe two to three inches between your bumper and theirs. Often, the mean-hearted bastards behind you will go bumper to bumper with you, thus forming a long chain of cars ‘stuck’ behind the one lost car. Congratulations, you just made an out of towner feel welcome!

4. Double park. This seems to piss people off quite efficiently, as you don’t even have to be in your car for it to work! You can just leave it in a couple of parking spots, and go do whatever else while you make random people upset at the same time! What could be better? Maybe a sundae, but that would be about it. The downside to this ass hole tactic is that it may result in your car being keyed, or vandalized in some other form. If you own a crappy car (Ex: A Hummer), then it’s ok; Risk it.

5. When you’re in a parking lot and it’s raining, don’t stop to let pedestrians by. You want to keep them out there for as long as you can, because they might catch a cold, or something. Also, if you stop to let them by, not only do you perform an act you are legally bound to perform, but you pass up the chance to splash water on them! That’s too much to give up, law or not!

6. Be a teenager, and fill your car up with your obnoxious friends and loud pop music. Point and laugh at people for no reason, and make a big deal about it. Like, slap your knee and bounce up and down. Make sure your friends open their mouths as wide as they can when they laugh for dramatic effect. When the people around you take notice and look at you like you and your ‘posse’ are idiots, you’ve done your job.

7. Talk on a cell phone. Nothing says ‘I don’t care about my safety, so I’m going to send yours straight to hell, too!’, like a pointless conversation with someone on the freeway. Way to go! The only solace your fellow drivers may find is the knowledge that you’ll probably end up with a brain tumor.

Now that you have some basic information on how to drive like an ass hole, you’re ready to hit the road!

Now.....

I hate driving. Seriously, it's like having an aneurism voluntarily. When you get behind the wheel, it's the equivalent of signing a legal contract for an anger stroke. It doesn't matter how good of a driver you are, because the idiots near you are probably some of the crappiest drivers in the world. If you aren't sure, try and figure out how old they are at a red light. If they're anywhere between the age of infancy to dead, then you're screwed; They're a terrible driver.

Let’s think about this for a moment. To drive, one needs a car, right? Well, cars are pretty damn expensive, and are built to last only a short while. Why do they only last a short while? So you’ll buy another one, of course! You may still be paying off the first one, but since it’s a piece of crap that looks nice, what can you do? It’s not cost effective to make cars that last as long as we’re capable of making them last. Uh huh, chances are, you’re getting financially raped by the automobile industry. On a related topic, don’t you find it funny how you have to fill your car with gas to make it run? You do know that gas is made up of dead animals and stuff, right? Yeah, you have to fill your car up with death to make it work. Peachy.

Also related to this, automobile accidents kill an estimated 1.2 million people per year worldwide (WHO, 2004). That’s kind of a lot. So, you pay a ton of money to get an item that you pay a ton of money to buy death for, said item being involved in the deaths of over a million people per year. Be sure to buckle up! Don’t forget your cell phone!

I was in a line at a fast food restaurant today, and the lady told me to pull off to the side and wait for my food. Being the good-natured citizen that I am, I complied and pulled up behind the other car that had been instructed to do so. A few minutes went by, and my food was brought out to me. I thanked the woman, and told her to have a good day. I was listening to System of a Down, though, so I think she was a little put off. Anyway, I wait for the person at the front of the line to get his order so I can leave without him hitting me, or getting in his way at all. After he gets his food and moves on, I come out left to follow him, only to have a car come at me from behind going thirty and nearly hitting me. Of course, the ass hole honks and acts like it was my fault that he doesn't know how to drive. I mutter 'dipshit' under my breath, and go about my business.

Inside, though, I was wondering what would be funnier: Follow him wherever he's going and knife his tires, or find out if breaks are as easy to cut as I think they are.

I'm not bitter at all.

-Serac-