What Is The Church Of Euthanasia?

I recently had the misfortune of being guided to a website known as ‘The Church of Euthanasia’. Yeah, you read it right. The Church of Euthanasia. They advocate being a vegan (A super vegetarian), sodomy (Because having babies is awful and destroys the planet), cannibalism (Because it’s wasteful to throw away perfectly good human flesh), suicide (Because you’re ruining the world, you bastard, you), and other stuff. I’ll give a link at the end so you can look for yourselves. Here's a picture of one of the church's members:



Quite the nutjo.....I mean, charmer, isn't she?

I went in there with an open mind. Granted, I assumed most of it would be like dunking my head into a barrel of horse dung, but I was still set to read and listen to what they had to say. After all, if I closed my mind before I even checked out the material I wouldn’t be able to do an objective analysis, would I? No, I wouldn’t. I read the first four ‘sermons’, and took out quotes from them to help give you a basic idea of what’s going on, there. Here you go:

-Internet users are by and large highly educated members of the elite, and therefore very likely to be indoctrinated.-

I’m going to go ahead and challenge this statement in the best way I know how: By pointing out that most people on the internet can barely even SPELL! I’d be hard pressed to find a ‘highly educated member of the elite’ on practically any forum, and if this presumptuous dick thinks he can pick out the ‘highly educated’ ones and invite them to kill themselves, AND experience any amount of success, then he’s even dumber than I thought. Now that’s saying something, considering I was wondering if he’d beat out a fish in the logic department.

Here’s a particularly helpful hint on how to become a better person, and do as little damage to our Great Mother Earth as possible:

-Use computers as little as possible. I know this is difficult, especially for you Internet users out there, but it makes a big difference. Like televisions, computers emit substantial amounts of ELF radiation, but more important, they encourage certain types of thinking at the expense of others. Excessive computer use can lead to serious imbalances, of which headaches, eye strain and carpal tunnel syndrome are merely symptoms. In Chinese medicine, the condition is generally described as excess fire in the liver. The liver nourishes the eyes and is associated with analytical reasoning and verbalization. Note that the liver's "time" is from 1:00 to 3:00am. If you're usually awake then, your liver is not being recharged properly. In other words, if you must hack, try not to do it late at night. If you develop symptoms, see an acupuncturist as soon as possible. In my experience, acupuncture and certain crystals (especially malachite) are the only things that work, other than not using computers.-

Wow, thanks Church of Euthanasia! I had no idea that staring at a computer screen really late at night could make my eyes hurt! I honestly had no idea that if I didn’t sleep from one to three that I was causing serious damage to my liver, either! Whatever would I do without your inspiring words and advice?

Well, for starters, my IQ might jump a good twenty points. For the love of God, now we’re talking about crystals that can ‘heal’ you. You heard the man, kiddies. Next time your bum hurts, go grab a big rock and push it up your ass until you either pass out from exertion or soil yourself. Oh, I’d also like to point out the flaw in what Captain Happy says by telling you to stay away from computers. It’s pretty simple to see, but how in the hell is anyone going to hear the rest of your warped messages if they actually listen to you and get off of the computer? Hm, looks like somebody didn’t think that one through.....

-But first, before we get started, let me take this opportunity to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a roaring success, and there were many enlightening conversations. Later everyone got very drunk, volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several acts of public sodomy were performed, one of which I still have bruises from, but never mind.-

I feel it should be reiterated that I am NOT making this up. I’m even going to give you a link at the end so you can look, yourself. These people seriously advocate these things, and totally think that meat is evil, it contains the misery of animals, and you absorb said misery by eating it, therefore becoming miserable yourself. We’re going to overlook the fact that acquired characteristics are un-inheritable, because then we’d have to be rational. Can’t have that. Also, since we’re so against being wasteful and all that, why are we drinking so much that we can all get drunk and have orgies in mud? And do you know what that volleyball was made out of? Or the net? Those are certainly things you don’t need! Quit wasting the earth’s precious resources! God!

-See they are still helping to destroy the harmonic balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them. "O.K.," you say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?" I'll tell you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious resources. Stop procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what you need to just because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of Euthanasia. Kill yourself!-

I have a question for Mr. Yanni Cooper (The guest speech giver for this ‘sermon’, number three); If killing yourself is the best way to reduce the world’s population and rid the world of its suffering, then why are you still breathing? Why are you out here, telling people to kill themselves, when you’re too much of a little chicken shit to do it yourself? As soon as you kick your own bucket, let me know so there can be some validity to the garbage dribbling from your mouth. Oh, wait, you’ll be dead, so I guess you couldn’t tell me. Still, feel free to validate your point, all the same.

-Cannibalism, like all of these points, should ALSO be made legal. Good point on it being flesh already dead! Instead of burying the dead of our race in a way that the body is preserved, instead, let me propose that bodies of the dead should be cremated, buried in the ground so that the body can decompose quickly, donated to medical science, or broken down into its nutrients for use as food-stuffs. With food shortage being as it is, remember Benjamin Franklin: Waste not, want not!-

Oh yeah, Ben Franklin was definitely a cannibal. Please, listen to this guy (Called $aint @ndrew). The only person he ever ate was some guy, and said guy walked away a happy man. Splendidly said, Mr. @ndrew. It IS wasteful not to eat people after they die. It’s also kind of sad to send our number twos down to the sewer children, so why don’t you start eating that, too? You can have an equal balance of shit going into AND leaving your mouth!

-Keep up the good work! And fret not in the face of those who tell you to take your own advice. As I've been telling people for years: "Rest assured, I'll kill myself when I see you've fulfilled your part. I know I can trust myself to "put out the light", as Shakespeare would have it, but as for yourself, that I cannot trust."-

Yet more inspiring words from $aint @ndrew. Guess I know why they don’t kill themselves, as I previously asked. How silly of me. I think it’s kind of funny how he says he’ll kill himself after you do. That’s like saying to one of your buddies as you rest atop a huge ass hill on your bikes, both waiting for the other to go. Your friend looks at you and says, ‘You first man, I’ll be right behind you!’, and you summon up all your guts and push forward to ride down that monster hill. Your friend watches in amusement from the safety above as you speed down the hill and crash, shaking his head and laughing, ‘What a dumbass!’.

-Well, we're all for it, and the sooner the better. Why be content with just peeing on the information highway when there's a way to DESTROY IT? The sooner the Internet dies, the sooner the people who spend all day masturbating themselves with it will wake up, and possibly even realize that they are living in a dream world. That's right! I'm talking to YOU! WAKE UP! Something's burning! I think it might be your MIND!-

I KNOW! READING YOUR GARBAGE HURTS! The sooner the internet dies, the sooner you lose all connectivity, jackass. If you hate it so much, STOP USING IT! Bloody hypocrite. The masterminds had been devising a way to cause crashes and ‘stick it to the man’, essentially. So not only are these people content on being self-righteous I’ll-kill-myself-right-after-you-do people, but they want to crash sites and be general ass holes. Fantastic, you guys are doing a wonderful job.

Oh man, I just can’t read anymore of it. It’s actually making me want to kill myself. Well done, Church of Euthanasia; You’ve pissed me off so bad that you actually got your wish. I want to die, now. Oh, never mind! I found a reason to not die! To stay alive to spite you! That thought alone will keep me going, ruining the world the best way I can. By eating and driving. I know, I’m such a horrible person. Here’s that link I promised:

1. http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/

If you disagree with anything I’ve written here, by all means, tell me. I would love nothing more than to convince you that you are wrong. My email’s just sitting there, waiting. If you agree with me, all the better. You’re not as stupid as I thought. Tell these people they’re nuts.

How To Drive Like An Ass Hole

I had some white trash ass hole throw a bottle at me when I was walking down the street. I didn't even know the guy, but he felt obligated to throw crap at me as he drove by. Maybe it was because he was jealous of my stunning good looks and chiseled physique, maybe it was because he mistook me for a very attractive garbage disposal unit, maybe it was because he wanted to protect me from a stalker that was following me and he missed with his projectile protection, I don’t know.

Why did this person throw something at me from their car as they drove by? Well, I would imagine that it was because when some people are in their cars, they feel untouchable. They can do about whatever they feel like, and it’s ok. You get to lock yourself in a metal box and listen to music or a talk show on the radio (Of your own choosing, unless your spouse or child has you whipped). No one can mess with you, or interfere with your personal space. You’re in total control. Time to speed, baby!

This, I believe (So it must be true), contributes quite a lot to automobile accidents. The feeling of power and security that it gives some people is just too much for them to handle, thus they do whatever they want, which usually is to be the biggest ass hole they can for as long as they can. Stopping car accidents before they happen starts with you. Yes, you! The next time you’re sitting next to someone who’s driving, you need to take away that sense of security and power; the sense that they’re untouchable. Lean over and act like you’re trying to grab something, then give them a quick jab to the ribs or smack to the face. You will have saved their life by making them realize they aren’t untouchable, just undesirable.

To drive like an ass hole effectively, follow these simple steps:

1. When no one is around, drive the speed limit, or just slightly above it. When someone is behind you, go ten to twenty miles slower than the speed limit, only speeding up to the correct speeds when they try to pass you. Should they try to pass you even when you’re going the speed limit, then you MUST speed to keep them from getting in front of you. If you’re real good at this, maybe you can get the person to crash into oncoming traffic!

2. Cut people off. I’m not talking about refusing your uncle any more to drink at the next family reunion because ‘She might come back’, I’m talking about swinging in front of people when, really, you should wait for them to pass. Often, the offended party will honk at you for performing this action. This is how you know you’ve done a good job. If you’re intent on ruining this person’s day (As people tend to dwell on things like this), honk back at them like it was their fault. They’ll tell everyone what a jackass ‘that driver’ was, but inside they’ll be second guessing who should really have the blame. You’ve got to be a big ass hole to pull that off, though.

3. Ride their bumper. The person in front of you, if they are going a little slow, probably doesn’t know where they’re going. They go slow to see if they can spot any sign that will help them out, because being lost can be embarrassing and frustrating. If you want to find out just how lost they may be, check their license plate. An out of state plate means they’re probably really lost. As was said, it’s embarrassing to get lost. What better way to brighten up their day than to make them feel even more embarrassed by being a dick about it? There should be maybe two to three inches between your bumper and theirs. Often, the mean-hearted bastards behind you will go bumper to bumper with you, thus forming a long chain of cars ‘stuck’ behind the one lost car. Congratulations, you just made an out of towner feel welcome!

4. Double park. This seems to piss people off quite efficiently, as you don’t even have to be in your car for it to work! You can just leave it in a couple of parking spots, and go do whatever else while you make random people upset at the same time! What could be better? Maybe a sundae, but that would be about it. The downside to this ass hole tactic is that it may result in your car being keyed, or vandalized in some other form. If you own a crappy car (Ex: A Hummer), then it’s ok; Risk it.

5. When you’re in a parking lot and it’s raining, don’t stop to let pedestrians by. You want to keep them out there for as long as you can, because they might catch a cold, or something. Also, if you stop to let them by, not only do you perform an act you are legally bound to perform, but you pass up the chance to splash water on them! That’s too much to give up, law or not!

6. Be a teenager, and fill your car up with your obnoxious friends and loud pop music. Point and laugh at people for no reason, and make a big deal about it. Like, slap your knee and bounce up and down. Make sure your friends open their mouths as wide as they can when they laugh for dramatic effect. When the people around you take notice and look at you like you and your ‘posse’ are idiots, you’ve done your job.

7. Talk on a cell phone. Nothing says ‘I don’t care about my safety, so I’m going to send yours straight to hell, too!’, like a pointless conversation with someone on the freeway. Way to go! The only solace your fellow drivers may find is the knowledge that you’ll probably end up with a brain tumor.

Now that you have some basic information on how to drive like an ass hole, you’re ready to hit the road!

Now.....

I hate driving. Seriously, it's like having an aneurism voluntarily. When you get behind the wheel, it's the equivalent of signing a legal contract for an anger stroke. It doesn't matter how good of a driver you are, because the idiots near you are probably some of the crappiest drivers in the world. If you aren't sure, try and figure out how old they are at a red light. If they're anywhere between the age of infancy to dead, then you're screwed; They're a terrible driver.

Let’s think about this for a moment. To drive, one needs a car, right? Well, cars are pretty damn expensive, and are built to last only a short while. Why do they only last a short while? So you’ll buy another one, of course! You may still be paying off the first one, but since it’s a piece of crap that looks nice, what can you do? It’s not cost effective to make cars that last as long as we’re capable of making them last. Uh huh, chances are, you’re getting financially raped by the automobile industry. On a related topic, don’t you find it funny how you have to fill your car with gas to make it run? You do know that gas is made up of dead animals and stuff, right? Yeah, you have to fill your car up with death to make it work. Peachy.

Also related to this, automobile accidents kill an estimated 1.2 million people per year worldwide (WHO, 2004). That’s kind of a lot. So, you pay a ton of money to get an item that you pay a ton of money to buy death for, said item being involved in the deaths of over a million people per year. Be sure to buckle up! Don’t forget your cell phone!

I was in a line at a fast food restaurant today, and the lady told me to pull off to the side and wait for my food. Being the good-natured citizen that I am, I complied and pulled up behind the other car that had been instructed to do so. A few minutes went by, and my food was brought out to me. I thanked the woman, and told her to have a good day. I was listening to System of a Down, though, so I think she was a little put off. Anyway, I wait for the person at the front of the line to get his order so I can leave without him hitting me, or getting in his way at all. After he gets his food and moves on, I come out left to follow him, only to have a car come at me from behind going thirty and nearly hitting me. Of course, the ass hole honks and acts like it was my fault that he doesn't know how to drive. I mutter 'dipshit' under my breath, and go about my business.

Inside, though, I was wondering what would be funnier: Follow him wherever he's going and knife his tires, or find out if breaks are as easy to cut as I think they are.

I'm not bitter at all.

-Serac-

How To Do An Introduction

Like so:

A lot of people out there like to pussy-foot around serious issues, such as whether I look better in black, or white. You can count on me to take a good long look into the cess pool of the world today as I seek out the answers to some of life's more troubling questions. Examples? Here are some things I should investigate, right off the top of my head:

1. During love-making with your partner, what does it mean when he/she says someone else's name?

2. Why do some men find it impossible to put the toilet seat down? Conversely, what's so wrong with a woman's hand that she can't perform said task, herself?

3. Boxers or briefs?

These are just fleeting thoughts in my head, but if they are in MY head, they MUST be in other people's, as well. Why? Because whatever concerns me should concern the rest of the world. If it doesn't, then there is something wrong with you.

I can say right off the bat that here, in this place, you will NEVER have to worry about being subjected to such bull as: 'Current mood: Thoughtful'. Why? Because if you honestly wanted to read that, I would feel obliged to sabotage your brakes so that the next time you set out for work, you wouldn't have to worry about my mood anymore. Isn't that kind of me?

As my faithful compatriot, Bunny, claims: Bring it bitch!, so do I. Should you have a burning question that needs answering, you've only to ask. If your question manages to be only moderately stupid (As all questions inherently suggest lack of knowledge), perhaps I will formally answer you to fill in that mental gap. Indeed, the greatest of answers you do not find for yourself. I find them for you.

I, Serac, will do what I can to help you through life, and wish you the best of luck in whatever obstacles life throws your way. You not being me means that you'll need it.