That Babies Are Evil

A good question would be ‘Are people evil?’, but that’s not the question we’re going to look at, today. We’re going to look at the littlest of people, the baby, and whether or not they are evil.

Let’s take an objective look at the things babies do to help us figure this one out:

1. They eat and drink. Really, I could rephrase this as they get fed and pampered. They don’t work for the food, they expect you to clothe them and give them cool toys and stuff, and they cry whenever they can’t have their way. Actually, they’ll cry even if they get their way just to piss you off. Ironically, everything I just said about babies applies to your average teenage girl.

2. They need to burp afterwards (After eating). You would think this is straightforward enough that they could handle it, but no. You have to prop them up on your shoulder and forcibly pat them on the back to provide support in the attempt to expel the unwanted gases. This typically results in them vomiting all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house. Oops, I mean spit up all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house, because there’s a big difference.

3. After said feeding and burping, odds are is they have to use the restroom. Oh, sorry, I meant to say your lap. Babies are lazy, and won’t get up to use the bathroom. They’d rather just unload all over their clothes, or, heaven forbid, you.

4. Now that they have a hefty load in their pants, they need you to take care of their business. Commercial businesses profit off of this by selling diapers and wipes, though you may as well just pass on the second item. Your dignity serves as just as fine a wiping device as anything else.

5. After all of this is said and done (Points one through four encompassing your average baby’s day), the baby still has the audacity to expect you to stay up all night with it. You would think that the infant would need to sleep after sucking the life out of you all day, but babies have complex and intricate sleeping patterns. The way it works is that when a baby is in a room (Or, in the case of a powerful baby, a house or apartment complex), only one creature is allowed to sleep in the area at a time. So, should you happen to start drifting off to sleep, the baby will instinctively cry to wake you up so he or she can go back to sleep. Why would they do this, you may ask? Simple: Babies are selfish, and don’t care about your happiness!

Well, Serac, if babies are so evil, why don’t people just get rid of them? I’ll bet you think you’ve got me cornered with a question like that, don’t you? Well, my presumptuous reader, you would be wrong. For you see, babies possess a certain characteristic that prevents us older humans from shipping them all off to sweatshops around the world. That characteristic has been sought after (Rather unsuccessfully) by every female teen pop singer who winds up settling for hot (Also unsuccessfully. Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff remind me more of crack addicts than hotness, and crack addicts are anti-hot. Clean up, dumbasses). This attribute, if you haven’t already placed it for yourself, is cuteness.

Babies are almost inherently cute; Being a baby almost means being cute. I mean, people in relationships often call each other baby. Unless we’re talking about pedophiles of an extreme and disturbing nature (More disturbing), we can assume they are implying their partner is cute, all while addressing them. It’s an economical way to get their attention and let them know you think they look nice. All in one word. People are really lazy (After all, we’re all just grown up babies, and some habits you can’t kick. Not like crack, dammit, I’ll kick your ass!), and would rather say ‘baby’ instead of ‘Jennifer, I just want you to know that you look amazing, and I am so glad you’re mine’, or some other sentimental line the guy probably doesn’t mean. Babies, if they could talk, would be liars. So it only makes sense that grown up people would be full of deceit and trickery, too.

Even though I know that they’re full of evil and hate, I find myself inexplicably drawn to their overpowering cuteness. I want to hold them, hug them, and give them stuff. I know, it’s twisted. Still don’t think babies are evil? Here’s a video of a mom and dad pretending to cough so they can gauge their child’s reaction to their feigned sickness and suffering:



Truly, a child who wishes to see the world full of pain and sadness. You’ll notice how the parents couldn’t help but laugh at the cuteness, despite the obvious signs of diabolical evil.

So in conclusion, my friends, I would say to you that you should beware of the baby’s tact and dark ways. They will exploit and use you for everything that you’re worth, and as soon as they’re able they’ll stab you in the back just because they can. Ironically enough, again, everything I just said applies to your average teenage girl.

-Serac-

How The Good In Some Can Make The Bad In Others

How can one thing, good, bring about its opposite, bad? It’s like an oxymoron. For more on oxymorons, see Mark Foley.

Like I so love to do, let us use an example to help illustrate how the good in some can bring out the bad in others. I’ll even use one that many people know of. Here it is:

So we’re back in the garden of Eden. Pretty sweet, huh? There are only two people around, and only a couple of rules to follow. Don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge is one of them. I mean, sure, it’s got apples going for it, but otherwise, who cares? I’ll take eternal life and happiness for our species, thank you. Apples be damned.

So, one day, Eve was taking a stroll through the garden, always finding herself covered up by some leaf or other blowing through the wind. That’s, at least, what I assume from having seen artist’s depictions of her (which MUST be accurate, as art is NOT interpretive, at all). There’s usually something in the way. Anyway.....so she’s walking along, and she’s getting kinda hungry. Her stomach growls a little bit, and she can’t help but wonder aloud as she passes by a few peach trees, "I wish there was something sweet and juicy I could eat. I’m so hungry!"

Satan snake, who happens to overhear Eve’s plight, is filled with sadness for her. No woman so beautiful (She’s the only woman, making her both the most beautiful and the most ugly woman alive) should ever go wanting! He knew he couldn’t stand by and do nothing. For more on standing by and doing nothing, see Dennis Hastert.

So, Satan snake works his way out of the pear tree he’s in, looking for something he can get to her to ease her suffering. Oh, I know suffering didn’t exist, just yet, but I’m sure her slight hunger was rather unpleasant. Satan snake looks around in a hurry, knowing that each second is precious. Grapes, cherries, oranges, kiwis, passion fruit, guava, watermelon, tangerines, bananas, apricots, plums, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, cloudberries, blueberries, salmonberries, loganberries, thimbleberries, mulberries, and even the now extinct berryberries. No, no, no! Not good enough! As Satan snake hurried by the papaya trees, he spotted the fruit that Eve should have! It was shiny, red, and looked like it was full of not-rule-breaking goodness! Perfect!

Satan snake gets up into the tree, and calls out to Eve, who promptly comes over to see what’s going on. Out of the kindness of Satan snake’s heart, he grabs one of the apples for her, and offers it to her, saying: "Eve, you are too good to go wanting. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have picked this fruit for you so you can eat it."

"Wow, thanks!" Eve exclaims, grabbing the fruit. She brings it to her lips, but a red flag goes off before she takes a bite, "Hang on," She mutters, lowering the apple, "Isn’t this the Tree of Knowledge?"

Satan snake looks around, trying to establish whether or not he was in the actual Tree of Knowledge. When he finds he is unable, he simply shrugs. Yes, it did look awkward.

Eve shrugs back, and takes a big old bite of the apple, effectively damning the human race to death and suffering. Oh, but wait, there’s more! Eve decides that she likes the apple, and grabs one for Adam. She thanks her friend for helping her out, and rushes off to feed that apple to Adam.

Now, Adam was the smartest man around (Also the stupidest man around, as he was the ONLY man around), so he could tell something was wrong as he looked the apple over in his hand.

"Come on, I already ate it! Out of the goodness of my heart, I have brought this delicious snack for you to eat, so eat it!" Eve eggs him on.

"Did you get this from the Tree of Knowledge? ‘Cause, uh.....God’s gonna be pissed if you did, and I’d rather not be the one to deal with that," Adam admits sheepishly, still looking the apple over.

"Oh, come on, if I had taken an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, don’t you think God would have already known, and would have come to punish me by now? Why would he sit back and let me give it to you?" The woman asked, an incredulous look on her face.

"Fine, fine, if you say you didn’t get it from the Tree of Knowledge, I believe you," Adam took a bite out of the apple, afraid Eve was going to think of him as less of a man if he didn’t. A few seconds later, he was looking down at himself, realizing he was totally naked. Outside. With a woman. Who was also naked.

"Holy crap, we’re naked!" He exclaimed, dropping the apple and covering himself up with his hands, "We need to find something to put on to cover everything up!"

Eve crossed her arms, looking away moodily, "Not that you have much to cover up, anyway."

Adam hung his head low as he realized that the suffering of mankind was now underway. But it got better! To show the better-ness of the situation, here’s a quote from the Bible, gearing up for the Fall of Man:

They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?"

Adam exhaled deeply, mumbling to himself, "Oh shit....." Before going to meet God.

Satan snake’s goodness of heart brought about the Fall of Man, which is a not good. So it is clear that the good in some brings about the bad in others. .....Or, at the very least, the damnation of all humankind.