That Babies Are Evil

A good question would be ‘Are people evil?’, but that’s not the question we’re going to look at, today. We’re going to look at the littlest of people, the baby, and whether or not they are evil.

Let’s take an objective look at the things babies do to help us figure this one out:

1. They eat and drink. Really, I could rephrase this as they get fed and pampered. They don’t work for the food, they expect you to clothe them and give them cool toys and stuff, and they cry whenever they can’t have their way. Actually, they’ll cry even if they get their way just to piss you off. Ironically, everything I just said about babies applies to your average teenage girl.

2. They need to burp afterwards (After eating). You would think this is straightforward enough that they could handle it, but no. You have to prop them up on your shoulder and forcibly pat them on the back to provide support in the attempt to expel the unwanted gases. This typically results in them vomiting all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house. Oops, I mean spit up all over your shoulder just before you were going to leave the house, because there’s a big difference.

3. After said feeding and burping, odds are is they have to use the restroom. Oh, sorry, I meant to say your lap. Babies are lazy, and won’t get up to use the bathroom. They’d rather just unload all over their clothes, or, heaven forbid, you.

4. Now that they have a hefty load in their pants, they need you to take care of their business. Commercial businesses profit off of this by selling diapers and wipes, though you may as well just pass on the second item. Your dignity serves as just as fine a wiping device as anything else.

5. After all of this is said and done (Points one through four encompassing your average baby’s day), the baby still has the audacity to expect you to stay up all night with it. You would think that the infant would need to sleep after sucking the life out of you all day, but babies have complex and intricate sleeping patterns. The way it works is that when a baby is in a room (Or, in the case of a powerful baby, a house or apartment complex), only one creature is allowed to sleep in the area at a time. So, should you happen to start drifting off to sleep, the baby will instinctively cry to wake you up so he or she can go back to sleep. Why would they do this, you may ask? Simple: Babies are selfish, and don’t care about your happiness!

Well, Serac, if babies are so evil, why don’t people just get rid of them? I’ll bet you think you’ve got me cornered with a question like that, don’t you? Well, my presumptuous reader, you would be wrong. For you see, babies possess a certain characteristic that prevents us older humans from shipping them all off to sweatshops around the world. That characteristic has been sought after (Rather unsuccessfully) by every female teen pop singer who winds up settling for hot (Also unsuccessfully. Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff remind me more of crack addicts than hotness, and crack addicts are anti-hot. Clean up, dumbasses). This attribute, if you haven’t already placed it for yourself, is cuteness.

Babies are almost inherently cute; Being a baby almost means being cute. I mean, people in relationships often call each other baby. Unless we’re talking about pedophiles of an extreme and disturbing nature (More disturbing), we can assume they are implying their partner is cute, all while addressing them. It’s an economical way to get their attention and let them know you think they look nice. All in one word. People are really lazy (After all, we’re all just grown up babies, and some habits you can’t kick. Not like crack, dammit, I’ll kick your ass!), and would rather say ‘baby’ instead of ‘Jennifer, I just want you to know that you look amazing, and I am so glad you’re mine’, or some other sentimental line the guy probably doesn’t mean. Babies, if they could talk, would be liars. So it only makes sense that grown up people would be full of deceit and trickery, too.

Even though I know that they’re full of evil and hate, I find myself inexplicably drawn to their overpowering cuteness. I want to hold them, hug them, and give them stuff. I know, it’s twisted. Still don’t think babies are evil? Here’s a video of a mom and dad pretending to cough so they can gauge their child’s reaction to their feigned sickness and suffering:



Truly, a child who wishes to see the world full of pain and sadness. You’ll notice how the parents couldn’t help but laugh at the cuteness, despite the obvious signs of diabolical evil.

So in conclusion, my friends, I would say to you that you should beware of the baby’s tact and dark ways. They will exploit and use you for everything that you’re worth, and as soon as they’re able they’ll stab you in the back just because they can. Ironically enough, again, everything I just said applies to your average teenage girl.

-Serac-