All About Tampons

As a man, there are some things I don’t know anything about. As a guy, there are some things I don’t want to know anything about. As a hero, however, there is nothing I am afraid to learn about. Well, almost nothing. There’s at least one less thing, now.

I have learned about tampons, and you are about to learn about them as well. Yes, I am twenty-years-old. Laugh at me, later.

I recently came into the possession of the aforementioned item, the tampon. It came in a very loud and crinkly wrapper, because everyone within two blocks needs to know when you’ve got one handy. I had a girl unwrap the item for me, and place it gingerly onto a flat surface where I could investigate it further. Why did I have a woman do this, you ask? Because tampons are incredibly volatile. They are made of a substance that chemically reacts to testosterone to create an often fatal explosion. This is why some lesbians avoid tampons, and why all men avoid them. They can instinctively sense the danger. The crinkly wrapper also has another purpose, which is to warn men that a tampon is near.

Before we go any further, allow me to give you a bit of history on our dangerous little buddy. The tampon is indigenous to Vaginburg, a place that most men dream of visiting, and visiting often. Vaginburg is usually a very friendly place, especially if the vacationing male brings presents to show his goodwill. Sometimes, though, Vaginburg can be very cold and uninviting. Associating with ex-girlfriends before trying to visit Vaginburg seems to be one of the things that makes Vaginburg frigid and un-welcoming, but there are several others which we will not discuss, here. Every month, Vaginburg gets heavy rains that prevent any sane man from trying to visit. Also, eggs become much rarer during this time of rain (It often floods), though it remains unclear as to why. It is during these periods of heavy raining that the tampon comes out of hiding and forcibly occupies Vaginburg. The tampon loves to drink of these rains, and soon grows fat and useless, at which point it commits suicide by vacating Vaginburg and burying itself in a trash container or by drowning itself in scenic ‘The Porcelain Whirlpool’. Coincidentally, the Porcelain Whirlpool is a place that both men and women visit often, and where many great ideas are thought up.

Now that we know a little bit about the history of the tampon, we should investigate its uses. During my study of this strange and terrifying object, I discovered the following:

1. The Tampon is not a weapon of mass destruction - I am American, so that was my first concern. And while not a conventional weapon of mass destruction, the tampon does massively destroy mine and most other men’s sexual interest.

2. The Tampon is also not a torpedo - Believe me, I tried.

3. The Tampon is made by women who hate men. Well, by women who hate men more than most other women - Who else would create an object that is only FOR women but women? Not to mention an object that repels most men. If you are a man who makes tampons, you are actually a woman. Stop lying to yourself.

4. The Tampon absorbs only as much as you think it can - The Aral Sea is shrinking because someone threw a tampon into it. Pollution has nothing to do with it.

5. The Tampon has a long tail - So when it travels into dark, cavernous places, it can follow it back out.

6. The Tampon is responsible for some deaths - One out of one-hundred-thousand menstruating women will experience toxic shock syndrome because of their tampons, and three percent of the women who get TSS will die. http://realchoice.0catch.com/library/weekly/aa082800a.htm

7. The Tampon is an ass hole - Read number six.

Also, it should be noted that the tampon is not to be confused with its close relative, the pad. The pad, unlike the earthbound tampon, has wings and rarely ventures into caves as the adventurous tampon does. The pad is also less hostile towards the male than the tampon is. To date, there are no known casualties involving the pad. The tampon? It’s got a record longer than my attention span. In fact, I.....Hey, a bug! It is now time for me to leave. More to come.